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November 09, 2016

Day 4

Day 4 : sorrow

It's sad that I've never seen most of my friends visited me by the cafe yet.
Wasn't there for the opening ceremony.
Wasn't there for the next month either.
That's why it's all bullshit.

Thousands friend 😂
But not up to 5.

Kch friends?
The last time I went to Kch, everyone had their own priorities.
I went there twice to be disappointed.
You know how much I wish I never wake up from that sleep?
So fucking much because the sacrifices I've made back in the past had cost me the most precious treasure of my life.

For those I called friends that were barely visible in my life.
For the stupid dream I thought was supposed to be the golden escape.
Human are shit aren't they?
So do I.

Friendship goal huh?
It sucks they only look at ONE fucking mistake while there's countless kindness blindfolded by that particular mistake.

But that's okay.

If only I never wake up to this shitty life.
If only life isn't shit at all.
If only people aren't shit too.
If only God ain't making more shit too.

🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻

You can fuck off.
And put me back to my sleep.
Or perhaps, you want me to face another heartache.
Well, that'll be facing her right?

I certain to face her.
But you always keep us in an intentional distance.
And that's why I have no faith in you at all.
I don't even want to acknowledge your existence.
💔

Nonsense.

And oh.
Please return me to my sleep.
If that was a demon's work, lemme be.
I guess I could make a bargain for it.

She wanted my jacket that night.
In my arms holding me tight under an umbrella.
Up until now not many have seen her with such expression.
Not many know her existence yet.

We were hiding under a grey umbrella.
It was raining last night.
She has the same scent of a lavandula.
Drop my pride and keep her warm.
But that's a lie the devils made me live for it.
I was a complete to fool to fall for it.

Lemme back into,
Into your arms,
J

February 11, 2016

2016, An Underrated Chapter

11 February 2016

     A couple of days ago was my 22nd birthday. Or in other word, the 6th year ever since the last song I ever wrote on that year. Lately I've been taking an uncountable stops in front of her house. "Her" as in the lady I've wrote about more than books of endless chapters. The only person I've always think of despite the fact I'm dating someone else. The last breakup I had didn't hit me at all. That's when I realized, I felt so empty.

     I saw her from behind so I tap her on her shoulder and I look at her with a weak smile. Yeah but that was just my expectation. I was just thinking that things would turn out a lot better if I did. Though I know after what we had before, I might be the last thing she might ever wanted to see in her entire life. Perhaps, even worse that. I can't tell if it would turn out the way I thought would be. I might be unpredictable as well. I'm not strong enough to see her yet.

Not yet... I don't want her to see me yet.

     I'm surprised to see how skinny she became or perhaps, it was just because I haven't seen her since forever? I caught a glimpse of her face when she turned around without her knowing my presence nearby. I wonder does her heart felt the energy of mine when I was there around a corner right across the street watching her with a smile on my face.

"Why didn't you find her?" ... I did. In my very own way.

     Love is something really beautiful even if it hurts. Even if the pain was meant to be deal with all by myself. Knowing the fact she definitely hate me deeply hurt me a little. What hurts the most was just the fact that the reason to hate wasn't how it should have turn out to be, Or perhaps, I didn't actually know what she actually felt about me. However, if there was a loaded gun on her hand during our last fight...

I bet she wouldn't shoot me.

     I believe so. What what if she does? Then, she probably didn't know me better. Though I believe that the energy from my feelings could reach her. I was rough. Because that's how I try to reach her. Desperately trying to say "I love you".

     For the past 6 year marked from today, I've never love anyone so much than I ever did. She might notice me dating continuously. That's how my life turned out for me though it didn't work out. After all, I always end up keeping these feelings all by myself. Right now I'm still keeping these feelings of mine. Lately I've been rejecting people. This post marks my reasons itself. I have unsettled business with my own feelings. Not until I let go of it completely.

It's hard because I love her and I never wanted to let her go. I never actually did, figuratively. It's questionable but I give no answers because it's meant to be. I had my own battle and I'm sorry I couldn't share this battle together. It's unfair but I hope she hates me for that reason. If that's the way she sees it, I'm happy to know I was hated the right way better than my lies and all the made up stories. That's all I need and I didn't want a second chance to get back to her.

     I don't belong there no more. That sky, I just couldn't reach it. I don't have to even if I wanted to.

August 25, 2015

Confession of a Denial

Last time you once told me.
If I had a bad time...
Just look at the sky.
"I put all our good memories there for you so you won't feel lonely about it."
But. I'm sorry.
I destroyed the sky myself.
Because I'm running away from my own reality.
The truth is obvious. You were doing the right thing.
You made your choice but I made you made mine.
And clearly, I never considered your action.
I thought I was right.
But after all. I was the entire blame.
I never consider why you create the sky for me.
For once I never even think for you instead of myself.
So after all. You were the egg and I was the person holding it. I'll always admire that story because I was never the same level as you are.
Oh God. How long does it takes for me to understand?
Almost 3 years... To realize that little things.
But I'm glad I understand now.
I'm going to unleash the hook and forgive myself.
I'll accept this mistake of mine and I'll carry it with me.
I can't believe I hate blue because of that.
And after all. It was me wasn't it.
My real color was never red.
I only chose red because of my emotion.
I deny the fact about how much my reflection was blue.
You gave me that blue sky and thank you very much.
I finally get what that was.
The sky was always blue to me.
Not for you. Because in your eyes. You've seen what I can't.
And I felt terrible for not knowing that.
After all. The only blue was my stubbornness in order to achieve all those temporary happiness.
You was trying to point that out for me.
But I was so young to see it.
I was colorblind.
But thank you again.
For that sky.
It's the most incredible story I realized after so many years had passed.
And I'll study the stars.
After all. You were trying to make me a better person.
Telling me won't reach me isn't it?
I know it's too late but I've seen it already.
Sorry.
I'll end my post with a note you wrote before.
"So don't worry, feel sorry or embarrassed about it. You should know that every single fall, is not forever, and we can always stand up after that. Chances and possibilities exist everywhere, so don't limit it with doubt. Whatever that mistake might be, repent and make a better person out of your old self. You can be better than what you are now. You always would." - Clarion (February 5, 2011)
You inspired me and open my eyes about life so thank you.
I'll carry these mistake until I get better.
I have no fear to face you already.
Face my sins.
Because after all.
I always try to be as amazing as you are.
Unlike how lame I was.
I will never forget this lesson.
Be free and I'm sorry for everything.
I can never erase my sins but I'll carry your dream. Because I don't wanna give up what we believe in.
This is the truth you'll never know anyway.
Only God and some random people to actually read it.
Farewell, Clarion. :)

September 11, 2014

The 8th Stars

August came to me with a whole new atmosphere.
Its strange to me to realize how it brought me there.
But then again it was a total adventure to begin with.
That's what keeping me smiling through times.
At least I could mean it this time.

It was a fight.
I faced myself on the day before I got back to this city.
The day before I brought myself here, I came to this changes.

I don't get it too and I questioned myself over and over again.
"Why?"
Before I actually figure the answers, I doubt everything and make my own conclusion.
I don't get it.
What are these hesitation means...
After all, putting out those glasses of mine to cover me up...
I'm visible for my own.

'This is me, a coward.'

Calling myself Lies for the confusion and denial I made my own.
However, I thank God I hesitate too.
Because I already know what am I about to face.
Rejection.
But then again, I'm not afraid of that. I was afraid I made the wrong choice.
There is something lacking in me all the time,
Love.

I wasn't sincere at all.
So I hold back my objective and walk through it.
And I wasn't rejected to begin with.
I was a winner out of my own.
For I am brave enough to learn this possibilities and fight forward.

I ran but I didn't run off.
Because my heart itself is pointing me a direction.
The moment I enter my flight I learned something new.
I know I gotta do the right thing.
But why must it be now? I questioned myself over and over again.
Until the plane landed to this city and I took off my phone.

As I turned it on,
I search her name up on the contact. I actually leave her a text message letting her know I arrived here.
And I can't wait to see her...

There are voices in my head.
I'm listening to it echoing to me.
I guess the old me never fades away.
In fact, I was just the same person I was back then.
Before I step my foot out the airport, I look up the sky and I mentioned someone name.
And I bet some people do know who was I talking about.
For she was the person who was the reason I smile before and the reason I lost it too.

I was childish back then.
But then again it wasn't only me. Things don't work out so I guess she wasn't really meant for me.
However, she meant something to me.
For she had given me the ultimate light to see this dark narrow blindfolded life.
It wasn't that bad and it wasn't that good.
But she brought me the opportunity for I am about to reach my prayer.

As I step foot out the airport.
The wind blows me through my hair and it felt great to be home.
I guess I miss this place and I felt home for some good reason.
I was always on the negative thought.
But on that particular time I look at it differently.
I look through it on the bright side.
The possibilities of this life are undefined.

And I saw my phone messages.
Few hours later I went to her house.
It was only Raya visiting.
But I know I wasn't only that.
We have never seen each other for real and that was the day I saw her for real.

Why was I so speechless?
Where had my voice gone?
What happen to my confidence?
Which is my heart now?
And How am I supposed to be?

The last question was 'Who am I?'

That question had given me a light to welcome my personality back to myself.
The kind old me who wasn't spreading his hatred unnecessarily.
Maybe I was only releasing my anger.
However, this girl I met in my life for the first time ever...
She had given me this warm and comfortable feeling.

We talk about things and it all went well.
I didn't know I could be these shy and I was looking at the sky.
Sending my voice towards my past and dig out my lost self from the shadow.
I haven't change after all.
I was only fooling around and making myself a complete idiot.
It brought me to tears thinking about what it had been before.
But there is no time for pity for I had seen the ultimate treasure of my life that day,
Love.

'Am I falling in love for real?'

I denied that feeling and push myself away from it.
I was after all a coward of all time. Maybe not.
But I did hold back that time.
It freaks me out knowing that I have a heart to feel all this emotions.
I failed to delete myself and I fail to throw my humanity away.
Wasn't I did it only out of sadness and pain? Poor me for being such a lonely heart.
But I wasn't lonely.

Because the person I met for the reason why I came home too was the ultimate reason for everything.
After a while we get to know each other.
I know I felt it.
I know I realized it.
It burns my heart and I can't take it no longer that I brought it to a confession.

'I love you too' was the last word before I heard before I got it here today on this beautiful days of my life.
I opened my door for love and I had brought the ultimate gift for both of us to hold on one another and smile again and again.
That's how I got myself here writing today after a long time I sealed myself away along with my pain.
It was silly.
It was ridiculous.
And it matters not anymore.

I don't know what she thinks about it and how the whole world sees it.

My happiness is for my own after all.
Only God knows for I had mentioned it in my prayers time after times.
He sees it, He saw us and He had destined us to meet.
She was the 7 stars after all.
And I was the 8th star of hers.
Because I brought it there that day on the 8th of August.

An Autumn, the fallen of the years.

It was wonderful as the season came by.
Because I wasn't alone to feel that way.
I know I always had someone to come with.
That day had came to us and it had been a month of journey with us together.
It was simply a blessing.
And I thank God for He had answered my prayer.

This lady of mine had given me the angelic smile that sent me to paradise.
And why are we holding back?
FIGHT for what is right.
Because we can't simply come to a conclusion without figuring its answer.
Things get in the way. But it wasn't really what it is.
We let things get in the way and we are actually the key towards every answers.
I FOUGHT myself,
I FACED myself.

And that's how I met you.

May 27, 2014

581 Days

"I want to walk pass this river.
So I took the bridge I see up ahead of my direction.
Despite knowing the destination I might get into.
I walk to it...
And I walk into a huge layers of fog that killed my visuals.
I was unable to see, unable to know and unable to feel what's ahead.
I wasn't alone for I had you to hold onto my hand but we had let go of it.
It don't matter who did it but it does matter for who was at fault.
I could have catch you but instead I lost my track and took the wrong path.

And so it had been 581 days of mine walking on this bridge.
I may be alone or maybe not for I believe you might as well be walking on the same path of mine.
However, I am not pretty sure if you had made it without me.
Or maybe you did.
Or maybe I truly was alone after all.
I was swallowed by the fog.
Not anybody could found me yet.
I found myself crying over this music where I used to play. It was the song I shared to you as well.
"Into Your Arms." From my favorite band...

I cut my nails for after awhile I had been keeping it.
I cut my hairs for after awhile I had left it grows.
But I can't cut the number of days I had the hardest time learning these reality without you.
I see my life as a pointless dream without you.
But I treasure every dream for I could had the touch of love with you.

When you hold me tight, I can feel it for how much you had love me.
I'm all dried out of words to speak for I have nothing much left to say but too much to feel.
I'm writing them out all in words to line up every sort of spoken notes in my head.
I can hear voices of yours and voices of mine where the day I could laugh without faking it.

I wanna see those light you show me and those tiny little sight that you could cut through these fog for me to see through it...

I want you by my side without the need of anyone to know what's right or wrong.
Because you are what I need in life and I'm stating it out with this heart of mine.
That had been drowned in the flood of love and I barely caught myself dying.
I maybe be nullified on the expression of mine but my feeling lives for as long as I breath on earth.
And I want you to come lead me out of the fog if you could.
Jen, it had been 581 days I couldn't call your name.
I couldn't speak to you.
Or even to see you smiling at me.
I couldn't see you looking into my eyes.
I couldn't feel you in my hands...
And I couldn't feel I'm alive in your life.

If it takes me to lose everything for me to reverse my time and get back to the days we were fighting over our future... I would be more than ready to change them. I don't mind. But I will come back with a new me so I could bend over those ugly pain that I gave... only....
If you need me.
Or maybe not.

I can't tell.