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June 18, 2009

The Past Story For The Road I Got Now

I'll tell something first...

"Let's play ball,
You play your side and I'll play mine,
Train with the wall."

Sometime, there are things we don't go on the right way. Just like the ball. Every time it hits the wall, it'll bounce back to me but the direction never fix. I feel like I don't know you anymore. I wonder why?

"Are you going to give up?
Practice makes perfect,
And live on to stand as legend."

There is no sense of trying in this world. Trying is a right way... but in this condition... now that I got. It won't make any sense. There is a true story about a girl who wanna be someone who can help people. But someday... People keep giving her hands. She can't help anyone but she helps people to less helping her. So she decided to study at a disability school. But things got bad. She then don't even wanna live in her house. She stays for the last in the hospital. To be strong and help others too. Its not easy to success the goal in this way. Isn't it greats I can give up on something I don't wanna give up, she said. Until the day she can't even get up from bed. Her dream comes true. Everyone read her story and now she is surrounded by people who got the same disease.

"When I first think I wasn't lucky enough,
I do realize there are many of them too,
Sometime its unfair for me to say,
Because you can even stand on this condition,
You are too fast and too young,
You don't even have the chance to feel free,
You suffer for a very long time at a young age,
To me I wouldn't stand,
Today you know,
Your story was told over the world,
You help others who is just like you,
To be strong and brave,
You even wanna sacrifice for the cure of this disease,
You wanna help the doctor to find the cure,
By using yourself,
Now everyone can stand because of you,
Even everyone like you need the face same ending,
But great enough to have a longer time of living.

Sincerely,
FRIEND,
Spinal Cerebellar Ataxia patient,
Thank you."

'God is unfair... Why this disease pick me? I'm only 15 and I'll never had the chance to see the world I never know. I wanna have family, I wanna play basketball, I wanna graduated and study overseas,I wanna live normal without a doubt and I don't want troubling my friend because of me. I can't live on by my own. I need a hand and strength of support.' She said.

She wrote diary every time ever since the doctor asked. When she is pretty close to her time. She was desperately trying to write. Its difficult for her to hold a pen. So she used marker pen and hold them with both of her hand. Her mum don't want her to force herself. The doctor giving a sign its fine.

'I won't miss my time on writing. What if tomorrow I forget what's today and what if tomorrow I can't wake up... Will I remember how is it like to hold a pen or will I remember what the past is?' She said.

She gives up couple of time. Her mum always the first one to know and the first one to help. She spends the whole time giving her daughter all of her hand. She won't be able to smile if her daughter cry.

'I do believe mum. She is always fist in my heart. She gives me everything I need to help me share what is it like to live free. Me... I do think I'm a source of pain to my mum. I don't wanna give to much trouble and I'll do everything I don't expect too but That's the best.' She decided everything by her own braveness to help her mum to less worry and less work.

I miss that story so much. I'm telling this story because I don't want some of my friend to give up and I'm sending a message to someone too. I also miss my metal support leg too.Now I'll tell you about my past.
I was 13 last time. I wonder how it happen but I do know I fall down very bad so many time. There is once I fall down from the stairs. I landed on the left knee straight. Its totally hurt and I can't even stand up for a long time. I went to clinic. They told me just nothing and fine and massage it. Then come another year. I fall down again. Nothing bad just that I do realize there is a funny thing. My knee felt like far from the ground but landed earlier. So I check and I noticed the shape. Its different. I just turn 14 that time. Couple of month later... I felt very bad and worst. There was a strange sound when I bend down. Sometime it hurts. So I went to specialist and bad news came by. I got jumper knee cracking. Its suck too me. I loved sport. I liked to run. But too bad I need to stop. I used a Patella brace. To let my extra bones to grow well. Then a month later. I used the metal supporter. Its a great moment. My teacher celebrated it when I got back to school after a few week of rest. I go to school wearing it. Sometimes I slow my friend down. It even annoyed me. Its not heavy anyway. That time too me was special. People keep asking. How you doing? I told them about it and some got in scared looking at my knee. Its fine now. I'm OK but when I run or stand too long... I start to feel pain. My friends and teachers... Everyone was very kind. I late for class sometime and its fine. A friend that so long didn't talk to me so long finally speak out. One of my teacher always ask. She kept asking how is your leg... Even nowadays too. Sometime. I'll just stay silent when I went out with them. I just don't wanna be treat like a handicap.

The days it cured. Something bad came by again. I fell on the ground on my right leg landed. Its very bad so I went to the same doctor again. He said its nothing just a tissue damaged. I was crying in pain and got mad. Who the hell play with strings? I'm sure they are just an idiot. If others got into it. I don't really care but I'm just cured and now I got another. One year for my left knee to cured. Now my right on. It seems OK but not totally cured yet. I guess another year again. Which is 2010.

To me my English's teacher is the best permanent supporter for me to stand and thank you. 2008 to me is a very special year. This year... I don't know. Can I stop hoping but trying? Because it doesn't make sense anymore I guess. Maybe because I'm disappear on your sight. But... I just wanna love you even its no use for hoping or even trying.

I'll end up with a few message...
'At the end of the darkness story,
Only one person can stand against the dark,
Millions of innocent warrior killed,
By a hunter for the real 5 legendary soul,
4 soul taken and these warriors were hidden,
Only one warrior left to stand for justice,
One who will stand for the light for the town,
And the one,
Who will always hold on the word,
Lived free... Die with respect....'

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