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February 22, 2010

The Truth About The Boy, Liz... Myself

I wanna start up something new. Maybe I won't be posting some poem or stuff like that. I guess it sounds emotional or maybe too hard to understand. And some of you think it was boring and just 'EMO' like Firdaus told me. So here I wanna write a voice of my heart. I hope no one felt guilty or touched or whatever. Be open now. Let's listen to my voice together. True story....

My Journal : Voices Of My Heart

Last night,
I text Jennifer night before one o'clock. It was a total sad night. I told her something no one know except my step sister who is not here anymore. I wonder how is she doing. Jennifer is the second person to read this. Other than that no one ever heard this. Jennifer is a nice charming girl. I felt better to tell her everything and I wanna tell everyone about this.

Last Friday. My step sister Amelia. She's a kind and nice person. Lately I try to tell her something but when it comes to it. She kept telling me about her love's condition. Maybe its wrong sis. She are not a shoulder for me to cry. In fact I am her shoulder to cry on. Listen to her story made me felt sad enough and I couldn't tell her something. I tried so hard to tell her something I really need to speak out so I wrote them on a piece of poem that I called a 'note'. She told she's too weak to face her problem or to accept her condition. Right now I wanna make something clear. I was the one desperate trying to tell her something. I felt like I was abandon or ignored when I try to tell her. Sometime I try a different way. She just thinks I was strong. As the matter of fact I was just hiding behind my brave words. No I'm not strong and I'm not perfect. I'm just an ordinary person like any other person. I fear death and I can't accept lost. I hide myself under my note that makes me looked like a strong guy ever after all but I'm not. I'm just weak. Weaker than her.

I told Jennifer something I really wanted to speak out. I just felt fucking miserable to keep it all in my mind. I just wanna be listened and I believe Amelia is the one I should share with but I just don't get the chance to talk to her.

I just wonder God? Why do you have to test me this way? Why not you try them to others who are stronger than me.

I'm 16 already. never been touched or kiss. I'm still single and totally lost in finding the definition of happiness. I was born somewhere I don't get to see the yellow, red tree. I can't see the blue ocean. I can't feel the fresh air and I live under the sun. I was a 16 years old boy hiding behind my latino shirts. If I get to live somewhere free and better. I won't be competitive behind my class and name.

Miss Yiak told me she found I was immature. I cursed her after she said that and I was totally losing myself so I secretly wrote a note to insult her and to scold her. Sometime I think she was right. If only I'm at her place and she in my place. I guess she will curse me too. But I realize Miss Yiak was right about it. I was just being competitive between myself, ranking and career. I hate staying behind. I wanna be better than other always.

What if luck change tomorrow? or what if tomorrow just another repititive days? You wake up, go to school, eat and sleep. What if God changes my faith? Or maybe I just have to face the fact its not making any difference. I'm just a loser to that wall. I cried, scream or even trying to kill myself but everything are just stupid. The wall won't break down. Tell me a lie or magic to face this fear. Sometime we just wanna felt heartless. But I just wanna be heard and known. I just hope people could listen and feel.

Today I step in my next door class. Amelia's class. Well I was trying to talk to her. Maybe there's no use. She's too busy as I do too. I didn't complete my homework and I hate Additional Math's lesson because I was totally lost. Teacher was too fast. I tried to ask her to slow down but she didn't listen. Even if I did. She still teach real fast. Biology comes to another period after Additional Math's lesson. I have a class in Biology lab. Its totally boring to take a test. Miss Yiak teach real good. Its not a problem the way she speaks or pronounce something. I asked her question and she answered me but I totally don't understand a single thing she said. I just don't understand my class. I try to study and listen but I don't even understand a thing.

Chinese New Year's break just over. I don't wanna get back to school. Mr Cheng told me I was completely lost and yes I am. Not that I wasting my time so much on the internet. I was controling my emotion and trying to feel better in a wrong way. Mr Cheng is teaching real well. Just the problem I hate homework. Just another pain in the ass.

Love is always a puzzle to me. Not right now. I have something more than that. Love is a problem I've been holding and I'm brave enough to face love. Maybe someday I'll tell the girl I love her. I guess I felt better that way.

Luqman a form 3 student from the J class. Which a class I was from too. He wrote note too like I did. Right now I guess he can wrote just the way like I do. I was very happy and proud to be saluted and respected by him. Felt like I was appreciated. I wish he won't stop what he write and I'll keep on writing too. That's very depend if I have the mood.


Anonymous said...

Hey liz,it's clarion...
Since i read this it really touched me... love how u express urself in this note. it really got me a person really feels inside.i always assume people are much more lucky n happier than i am.but then, everyone got their own prob...yeah liz,continue to be strong even when u felt the weakest!
and death and lost is a part of life,u juz have to look up to the future,and let the past be your guide to another day..

Liz V. February said...

Clarion- thank you for your reading and I'm glad there is a great reader. Weakness only makes me stronger, I learned something there. being positive facing the fact or just make those rules around me> ^^