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December 20, 2012

A Hero, Somewhere From The Heart

My name is Liz. I can never mention myself as simple because there isn't anything simple about me or my life. It's very complicated and I had been screaming to the top of my lung. I'm broken, into pieces that was impossible to be counted. I'm bleeding... My feelings, my emotion and my mentality. I kept catching those broken pieces of mine but they are as tiny as dust. I could never get to catch them all.

Am I giving up into this life that I call shit? Am I giving up to my biggest enemy who is despair?

I can feel it, my heart is burning. Telling myself I am still a hero for myself, my own pathetic world that no one would give a damn toward it. However, I hold onto it. That's all I could do. Who would be there to look into my life and knowing the obstacles I'm facing. This whole damn world is just as obsess of who's the best or who's having sex. It doesn't matter to me.

Hero, I'm certain...

I had gave up recently towards saving hope of my life. However, today, I stood up again. And I've learned a very important part of me today, I was never dead to fight but I will fight until I bleed for the last I would. I wouldn't be Liz for nothing if I'm not Liz. Liz I knew until now is a person who tries with lots of hope. He failed but he never gives up to find a way to retry. That is me right now, finding a sword for my own, to battle and maybe I couldn't be a real hero.

However,

Somewhere I've learned, before a hero save someone life, he must be able to save his. So I look at this pair of hand of mine, that I had been using for so long. And this heart, it still there to have feeling. That pieces of my heart, I've learned it as a deletion. Where to eliminate negativity and grow up. It's only the matter of time and it is also part of growing up. So I wouldn't mind crying over and over again but I swear, I will keep going to achieve my target to break the law of gravity, and to crush my enemies real good. Who are my enemies? Despair!I will never give in to you so I would fight and fight with the energy I had. Even if I ran out of it, I knew somewhere or somehow I would have friends to supply me with the hand of hope, giving me spirits to boost the limitation of the impossible.

From that point, I've seen my "Arcana".

"La fool, infinite". Maybe I'm not the pure holder of it but I carries an infinite numbers of possibilities and I could reach my own gravity without giving up. Be stronger!

Here I am with a reason to fight. I thought I had lost my dreams and faith. But hey, I never forget to reach out to the horizon and be the ultimate hero.

That's what an Aquarius is right? To live with its bottle for its shape, so I'm shapeless and I would never stay trapped and give in to despair.

Fight harder. All that it takes is myself and my heart. I have no one to share these tears on my eyes with but I still have this sword to stand up, and be a hero.

LIZ stands for Life, Ink and Zero. 3 very important things in my life.

December 10, 2012

The Beauty Of An Aquarius

Tears? They are some form of liquids right? Which is also categorized with water.

I couldn't differentiate whether I'm happy or sad. All that I could see right now is I'm currently healing. However, I could never escape from pain. It has been a very burden magnet of my life. Last September, I was broken into pieces. Until today I'm trying to reassemble myself but there are some pieces of me that had really destroyed. In my life as a technician, I believe I could find solution in many ways even in such desperate attempt. However, a broken heart, is something we could never fix it.

I can hear it, in my heart, its cracking.

Looking at myself in the mirror and my lips were spelling out the letter 'H', 'E', 'R' and 'O'.

Hero.

I was never a hero in anyone life but I know somewhere deep down inside my heart. I am one because right now, I'm fighting with my own pain and shadow. I'm fighting with a smile that I hold onto.

And I met Jennifer,

I wanted to smile at her hoping that she could see my 'message' from my eyes. But I guess I'm a silent hero here. But it doesn't matter. I know the consequences and I had been ready for it.
Deep down inside my heart, nothing ever change because I always love her. We've gone through a very hard time together and believe me, I was there to hold onto the same pain. I have change for a very good reason. I would never say it but that remains our business between God and I. Lacus Cylne once again had appeared in my slept last September and she brought me to my underworld. I saw the memories of our first kiss, we were about to kiss but the world cracks and same goes to my heart. I could hear it. Then, things get worse so I've seen my future so I cried awake. That was the biggest chance in my life and that was the moment I've grown up and made a very cruel decision. There, I could only whisper two letter words for her, "I'm sorry". I've decided not to fall into despair. I made up my mind and I would save her from somewhere only God knows. I always look up that beautiful sky which reflects her. Nothing is more beautiful than her and I can only call her name out because I never declare this separation. She remains in my heart for as long as memories last.

It's very true that my heart is rusted and I've been crying all by myself. And there I realize another part of a hero, sacrifice. It will leads to misjudge but it doesn't a matter. A real friend will respect my decision rather than misjudge me by feelings. In my dream, I reached out that sky with her.

Here I am too, growing up. Its only the matter of time. I wanna keep protect every importance but there were time you just couldn't. That's why a hero has its weakness. A hero never is perfect.

And I keep smiling everyday for every person I've created a bond with. They were the strength that keeps me stronger. "Bonds of people are the true power". With all the energy I have left, I wanted to keep smiling and laugh with everyone. That's the only way I could get away from my disease and from my 'unwanted future'. However, these tears of sadness they flow to my face without regrets. I know its for the best. And that's the beauty of an Aquarius, I'm shapeless and there are no bullets that could kill me. I'll keep flowing like water throughout the shape of the surface that I stand with every pieces of me together. So the tears remain but I will never get trap in a jar forever. Maybe the shape of water relies on the shape of its jar but I wanna keep up with every possibilities that I could find my own shape. And these tears are the tears I called the drops of love. 

"Never give in to despair."

I'm certain~

November 29, 2012

A New Chapter of My Life

When I look at her,
I just realize the lack of possibilities to reach her out.
Just like some stuff that I wanted, rings, necklace, jackets and knives...
I just don't have the money to get what I wanted so I'm falling down,
Hopelessly hoping.

But then today I found the full moon, after a long walk I spent...
At first it was so dark that I almost given up hope.
Hours of walking then I found that full moon.
Brightly appears smiling at me.

That I just realize,
Maybe what it takes in this life is time.
Everything and every single part of me too.

Right now, for what happened in the past.
I accept the way it is and I believe it ended here.
From such a beautiful story and it has to end up this way.
But I will remember to look at that sky,
Seeking out the memories.

I'll learn from there.

I met many friends here in a new place in such limited time.
I'm happy. Right now, I dare to say it out.
I have many groups of friends.

Hanging out together, spending time together that I didn't realize the sun rises already.

However,
That's what youth was all about.

To cry, to laugh, to smile, to grow crazy, to fall in love and to learn everything.

Right there from the spot where I found that moon,
I would say,
Maybe not for today.
But perhaps someday,
I would be able to reach out what I want,
And instead of looking at it and waiting for God to send us miracle.
Let's do something about it.

Like for the rings,
Before you ring it over your finger,
Go through a big journey of getting it.
Sure I'll be ringed with honor and meanings.

So I'm working on my life,
To go on and remember to breath.

God had given me the beautiful sight of life,
And its a sign that had spoken to me for ages.
Right now I'm not giving up hope to find another hope.

I know who I am better than anyone could ever did and from such friendships of life,
I've learned so much that I know how far could I be and I believe,
That whatever we do,
Never forget to enjoy your life and smile.

Because those smiles keep you stronger than ever.

Life had change ever since these two months of my gone.
But I accept it as a goner.
Step up, pick up my sword,
And fight,
Valentine.

Love,
I found it inside of her.

My studies,
I made it the best. And my lecturers are proud of me.
I'm very happy and full of support.
I've done my best and nothing distract me.
So I believe my wings and potentials.
Whenever I thought of falling down,
Right now,
I could only thought of,
Who would push me up?

Whoever it will be,
I'm sure they are my friends, my groups and my lecturers.

And her up there on that beautiful blue sky,
I'll reach her out.
I don't know the future and possibilities,
Even I'm lack of time,
I still wanna believe in it and I'll fly just a bit more higher.

I will try my best!
Work harder and instead of focusing on our problems,
Let's focus more on the solution and the future that is beyond our expectation.

November 20, 2012

Pursuing My True Self

Pursuing my true self...

In such a pathetic and lonely life of mine...
Even if she's not there to listen or read what I said here on pieces of notes.
Desperately, I'm trying reach her.
Maybe there are some obstacles to stop me or there are some distractions that avoids me.
I lost every chances to reach out and I have lost my faith in love.
What would it'll be like if we both could be together.
Thinking of the possibilities,
I got freak out.

I play for her a sweet soft melody inside my heart,
Where it was the last piece of me that I had left.
The other part of me were harden dead.
I've locked myself with my hatred, I'm defeated.
I lost in this game of life and I said,
Game over, God.

I wanna quit.

I wanna fade..

I wanna disappear...

I wanna destroy everyone who came into my ways.....

Whether they were my friends or someone closer or what-so-ever.
I swear as long as they never leave my life alone, and they have ruined it.
I would pay the price for them and show them why they never shall mess with me.

However,
I placed my heart here,
For my last breathe with love....
I'm gonna fade away, from the reality of me.
I'm gonna run away from my own fact, life and even my feeling.
If everyone wanted to see me destroy,
I would but someday I would be better than anyone else.

And I swear,
Those people will live in misery.

My last part of me,
Had given chance to love.
Finally, I could have falling in love again but its falling apart too.

My sky, where memories were treasured.
I wanted to pull it down and watch the sky collides.
I wanna cover it with layers of ice...
Let it melts to the heaviest rain ever.
I wanted to see this world cry just like how much I did.

It was amazing I could smile to cover everything.
I'm willing to smile for her too.

However,
I had traveled on this journey,
Got nowhere to go and I've come to an end.

I decided to keep myself like a doll, statue or something similar.
I don't wanna show my feelings again because its wasted.
I don't wanna take things personal again,
Because it was forgotten and invisible.

In a love story,
I couldn't believe I am the prince.
Do I even exist in such dream?
I'm willing to be an angel,
Widely giving my arms,
Spread widely that it became wings to cover her.

As long as I could have had the chance to do so,
I will go on that field of love.

TO BATTLE,
to fight where my blood would stained on this piece of note.
Exactly,
Just like my emotion.

And that's where my chapters were cursed and covered.
Look at me and see my feelings.
And there's this only part left needing her love...

Weakly whispering...

Like a flow of melodies.

My melody of love & live.

I wanna be in that story of hers, in that life where I could never felt invisible.
I don't wanna care about where I came from or how was I.

If she could open her heart and bring me into that chapter,
Whenever it would be,
I wanted to put my blood inside to wait for that opportunity.
I wanted to believe in it again.

I wanted to live on with a new hope of love.

And I put my hands together praying to you God,
You have seen the reality of me,
The side and truth where no one could ever see.
I do believe this isn't what I deserve so I pray to you God,
Give me your light.

"As long as we believe in Allah,
Whatever words people would say or describe you,
Just remember,
Allah knows everything.
The truth remains with Him and as long as we kept believe in it,
Allah will leads you."

Forget what people or anybody said,
I know where I've gone wrong or right.
Even God knows it.
I don't have to waste my saliva to convince those one sided people.

October 12, 2012

A Love Story Book, Final Chapter "My Feathers Were Colorful"

Before I get to step by my foots today, I been through a million miles of journey from years through years. Until today, I had finally found myself, crying again with lots of tears like before. I feel happy when all this tears came. I feel like I still have a remaining heart exist inside of me. Right here, I put my final piece of heart into my book and I end my chapter here today. A new chapter doesn't deserves to be in this book because this book only meant for both of us from the very first start. So I wanna close that book right now with my final chapter of it.

"My Feathers Were Colorful"

Remembering my memory, from year 2007 of where we first met. I had found her there from a spot where no one would ever notice me watching her. She was the only angel of my life which I could see her with a pair of wings where nobody would ever realize, how lovely she was. However, this love doesn't has an opening for me so I had grew up without her loving me back. From that opening, I made myself written as a warrior in my life. Fighting to find a light of love and I had always work harder and harder to believe in that possibilities. But, I had fallen deep down inside and fell on my gravity. What am I? I don't feel my existence here on this earth.

I never give up on hoping. In fact, every moment that I had lost my hopes, I found another from the other days which it wasn't supposed to be there. I dreamed of us, in my own life, in my own world, as Valentine or Liz. It don't matter which but the completion of my life there, is that angel of my life. Wearing a very beautiful white dress which is very soft and silky and flows perfectly with her body. She tied her hair in a very gorgeous ways and there is a white feather on her hair. From that dream there, I found my life to live for. Each day I live with a hope to be there again to meet her. And we met quite a few times on the same spot. My life felt complete and I slowly learned to smile from there, which inspired me to write. Everyday, writing had become my routine and oxygen. So I also wrote diaries and notes of my life. Ever thought and feelings I had I wrote them down.

"I grew up with hatred..."

Reality always kills me alive. I had never been friendly enough with reality. Every moment that I woke up from my sleep, my life had become hopeless. Somehow I find the dream is just a fake hope. I felt like the biggest fool in this world. I wanna destroy this world.

"I don't believe much in miracles but I believe in possibilities."

After all, I felt my life was empty and meaningless until my 15th birthday, one of my wish came true. I met her and we started to have deeper feeling on Valentine. To me, it was the greatest birthday gift that God had ever gave me. My life had change. I became stronger and each day that I wake up, I look forward to see her or to hear from her. From that moment I found a direction, I could define love then with thousands of pages unstoppable until I reach my death. My life had a meaning, I was so happy.

"My life felt complete, there's no empty space and the thoughts in my head are waltzing."

I learned the color of the sky that she had taught me what it told you. She showed me the stars where she had seen from her dreams and the meaning of it. And I showed her the moon that I love to stare. However, we were always there to watch the blue sky we love the most. We both share the same dream and I had always dream to stand somewhere really tall against the gravity of the earth that I could touch the sky. We hold our hands together like we will never ever be separated by anything and when I hugged you, I gave you a pair of wings to cover you and protect you from anything. The most important thing is that I had always came up with something to remind you, how much I love you everyday.

"I wrote pages of notes with loves..."

There was never a day that I could forget her and there was never a time I don't love her. She remains there inside my heart. I treasured her from my youth until the day we went to college together.

"My words turned dry..."

On our historical September, I encounter something. My lips, my words, they went dry until today. I can't write or speak like how I used to... My life, I lost my direction, it becomes pointless. My love, is gone because of rules of life. I hate this life I stated it clearly. Fuck that I had said more than enough I guess...

Right now, my heart is empty like a working machine. I felt like a zombie except I do have some feelings remained but slowly, more of it collides. My life had end up here but I still believe there will be a world where maybe we both might meet again and our life will be better there.

"I am no longer a prince, I'm just a fallen warrior."

I...
Lost my words.

The only story of our life, it remains somewhere inside of me. I had locked it to protect it. That's all I had left from you that I treasured. That's all I had left in my life that gave me a lot of meaning. I had nothing left other than this. I don't pray for a hope anymore and I had stop believe in faith. My tears had stop too and I couldn't cry anymore.

This body of mine here, is just like a robot.

How pathetic but that's the reality of me. I will blame this life forever and I hate it forever. Luck or hope don't stand for me.

"The butterfly you sketched me before,
It has colorful wings,
The colors then mixed,
Everything went black and I die...

I fall into somewhere really dark and deep.

I never believe the rain echoes today,
I don't find the flower waltzing through that...
What is life when the light was hidden beneath the sea,
Beyond the bottom of gravity.

The cloud was not here today.

However,

There is always a key to believe in."

And I close this book here and lock it. This is our story and it remains inside our memories.
Let it leads us to the day after tomorrow.
And no matter what,
I never regret anything.

There was no other feather as beautiful as yours,
However, the others could fly and it doesn't matter.
I love it stays on you.

And my missing feather was with you,
That's why I can only fly when I'm with you.

Just for you,
Jennifer

September 30, 2012

A World That Was Never There

Valentine, where had you been missing? I'm whispering to you right now can you listen to me?

Just tell me what should I do right now until I could reach out the sky and become powerful and immortal like you? Just how much louder should I scream until I can stop feeling the pain inside of me. However, enough is enough. The world of mine had slowly destroyed by the hand of Valentine. When I had the ability to awaken Valentine, on my own hand by myself I'm crashing every pieces of my life without hesitation. But then why am I not happy at all? I'm all stuck inside this black hole that I don't find a hope...

I run but I cannot run.... Such bitter memories always let me fall whenever I tried to run... Every piece of those fun memories are escaping but I couldn't reach out. My left leg is hurting so bad and I can no longer move at all. At the middle of the field I was crying and right there I saw a magical shadow that shines from above the sky that is trying to pull me. My tears are dried but I take my blade out and slash every piece of the shadow with full of anger. I don't care about anything. I have no hands to hold me and I am above the world, not others.

I will move in any possible ways no matter how desperate it is. And I swear I'm not an Angel nor the Satan but I am a God by myself in my own world and someday I will find that world!

Just no matter who is stopping me, I'll break through it and break it really hard. Whoever comes to hurt me I'll be prepared with a very valiant shield that will block it and then I'll destroy every piece of the world really damn good!

I don't laugh or I don't cry. I'm just a doll exactly the one that I collected. those are my friend for my lifetime. They are my only friends for now. Who cares about such shit in this life anymore? Someday, I'll destroy this life. I just made my statement here and as the matter of fact, I'll make it happens soon.

September 29, 2012

Is It Just Coincidence?

I hate a very rough day today... It was really harsh...
I'm all alone right now in my own world all the time..
I am a really sad person and I really hope I will find love again...

Earlier tonight I was walking alone. I had a very long walk. Before I begin, I make myself a reason to walk. So I look up at the sky, its almost full moon today. It might sound crazy but I had decided to chase after the moon. My leg is totally painful right now but I still find it worth every steps for me.

I took hours of walking to chase after the moon. It was about 4 or 5 km I guess? I'm really suck at measurement so please understand. During the time that I chase the moon, I was looking for direction and on the journey, I had gone through lots of places. It was interesting but dark at night. Some seems a little bit boring but I love being by the waterfront. So I walk and walk, I felt lonely but it felt like I'm exist in my own world. And I was talking alone. To be honest, I wanted to fall in love again. I lost interest toward people already. Slowly I love the attention from guys but that won't make me love guys. I'm a straight person.

So when I went to a location which was pretty close under the moon, the moon gotten darker and when I couldn't see it, I stopped and see where I ended up. It was somewhere at a restaurant. I was very surprised that I found someone there. Was it just coincidence? I would be very sad if it was just a coincidence... Or is it a sign? I felt quite happy when I saw that girl over there. Thinking of the possibility, I think that girl is the only one I can fall in love again. But that very depend too. However, I wish I could get to know that girl. I wish she could recover me from a fallen ground...

I just lost someone I really love... I will take it as a lesson but I will let it be the strength for me to move on with hatred. I can live with the statement but whatever it is, its not a fact so I do know Allah is there to understands how I felt. That's what matter more to me. And I wish someday the girl that I met today, is my future. I wish it ends there like where I had stopped chasing the moon. But I felt like I'm being ignored too. Love is really complicated and harsh. But I will take what Yume stated to me. Yume is my stepmother to me. She said that the person doesn't deserve me no matter who's wrong. I now understand some part of it already but I do wish I could fall in love again and found back my stolen smiles. Maybe even a better smile.

Dear Allah, if you hear my prayer, I wish you could give me a sign or maybe help me overcome this. From now on, I will start my day with bismillah.

September 27, 2012

September don't Need Me

It almost end... I would love it better if someone could wake me up when September ends. I wanna skip time and pick up every pieces of me. Right now, I don't care about sympathy or pity. There isn't one exist in this world. I've been treated all the time and lost in my own battle. From now own, when October is done, I will walk on October Road. Its a new life to start with and it is just an opening. Forget the heartless pain Liz. Its nothing much right? Why would I care about such a thing who don't bother how I felt.

Here I am today, on a piece of paper writing another piece of note. Hey, it had been years now. I wonder if these notes even actually being read? Well, it don't matter to me as long as one day my wish will come true. Right now, after the end of September, I will come to October with full of confident and hatred inside of me. I'm a man with the heart of a women that nobody ever sees that. But it don't matter to me. I believe I could stand up and pick bag every pieces of me from the first chapter til today. I had stop writing for awhile now... My words really dried. I don't find the adventure but I'm lost in a deep empty river. So what if its true? I'm fucked up. I'm screwed. Laugh out loud all you want I don't give a damn. I will be something big.

Someday, I'll pick up my broken bodies, my heart and that includes my smile. I'll learn to smile by my own even if I don't feel needed. Today is my worst day of my life. Wait, September screws me up. I'm not happy. I dream of a world full of destruction. But slowly, I wanna forget my dream, I wanna forget myself. I wanna learn to love myself and learn to appreciate it. I wanna start finding the truth of the world in religion, when I found one, "let human be blame"...

As the matter of fact, it don't matter what I will be. I just wanna feel needed and important. I just wanna have a pair of wings to fly. All I want is a world full of freedom without gravity. To be honest, slowly I'm forgetting that dream. I just want to find a reason for me to live for another day.


September 26, 2012

September's Cracked Crystal

"I dream of freedom without sins..." 

I had been thinking a lot lately. I'm not a very valiant person but I have to be one. Its really ironic how the other side of me, Valentine is a very strong person while the reality of me is all attached to her but stabbed by myself. I hate the reality. Valentine is very brave and strong. When I look at myself, I'm stuck to move on. I'm all attach to the law of life that I hate the most, gravity. Which is the law I had been struggling to break it.

Ever since that I got here, a new place to live and study, I thought this is the best part and a very new chapter... However, its a total mess right now and I'm screwed. Looking at myself from my mirror, I see myself as the most pathetic person. A person standing in tears. In my life, I have to live by knowing. What makes it good at knowing when you know your future is the hardest fact you can never accept. Yeah, that's right. I'm talking about me right now, the person in the future that will hardly grow up and even walk. I had been ignoring it and pretend to not knowing it but it happened to haunt me back. What more now I'm living with a fact the one that I love is the one I'll lost. Please God I ask, could you help me out?

Will there be an angel to take me to the horizon and forget reality? Will there be a hand of hope to pick me so I wouldn't be falling too deep? Will I find a guide or some sort of light that wasn't supposed to be there?

In my dream, I reach out the sky and fight for everything. It was worth every liters of my blood. However, when I woke up, everything is gone. I hate it so much. I'm always on my own world... Everything that I worked on had washed out that easy.

I wore glasses today. I felt a little bit new today but I'm hiding my expression behind a lonely glasses. I'm acting innocent. Wearing glasses made me look a little bit nice but people couldn't see my real expression. Its okay, I'm hiding my smile.

Right now I'm stuck with assignment. I wanna escape from my tears and pain. For now, I wish I could find a reason to move on and smile with it. I wish I will find my freedom and happiness one day even it wasn't supposed to be there. It doesn't matter because I believe that no matter how much the obstacle or lack of hope there is, I believe I can still live with my own blood even I'm full of hatred.

Waking up from a dream last night, maybe that's a sign of the future. I'm afraid to die alone... If my dream are true, please... Change reality. It felt like everything I had or couldn't have, no matter what it is, I'm pretty sure things will be gone. I'm such an unlucky person.

"I dream of freedom without sins..."

September 22, 2012

"A Dream for A World Full of Destruction"

Its been years God damn it...

I had been building up my feelings deep down inside slowly that it gets to be a real sculpture of my heart.  But damn it, just one second that I open my eyes it got taken away just like that. God, how will you help me out from this mess? How will this motherfucking life will be fix or clean up?

I had decided to start a new life with a new path. Now that I'm on that path I found a small light from out of nowhere. I thought it might be a hope but it had already been taken away from me. That hope might not meant for me. I don't know what else could I speak out.

I'd been cursing and screaming at the top of my lungs. I can't breath... Tell me how to breath like I used to be? Tell me how am I supposed to live with such desperate oxygen? How should I define my passion of love?

Where would I be after this? I don't know. All I know is, all we have is what left today... I'm in a flood of tears... I dream of a destruction, I'm really mad and I wanna be on top of the world... I wanna destroy life on earth and become heartless while I challenge the power of universe. I can be Valentine someday. Then, forgive shit but there ain't gonna be gravity for me. I stand by my own!

My words are dried out... There's nothing left meant to speak, it ends up worthless!! Nothing change. Fuck that. I'm tired of this life... Really am! Fuck it God damn it, Fuck That~!

August 02, 2012

"Alienated?"


Years already passed. Now that I am here, almost 2 weeks living up with a new journey here at college. I could barely forget the world I stood up with.  Where was I from the previous years, how do I sounds like or even how it was used to be. There are things I love where I felt the freshness of my love like how it used to be right back from the start. I also learned what it’s like to feel right being in some friendship I’ve never been through. Sometime it could be silly, funny and ridiculously stupid. I also felt the joy of having of roommate. Been talking and laughed a lot too but why is there this little tear inside my heart that made me felt like I’m crying a little. Whispering inside my heart how blue was the sky used to be.
                The sky was blue, why is there a presence of a small unhappiness inside of me. Through times I learned the world “alienated”. I felt the presence of that inside of me. Sometime, I realize the dark jealousy was there too the moment that I couldn’t realize it. I was busy picking up boxes to arrange in the right order to define the rhythm of my heart. It was confusing. I’m lost inside myself. Am I losing the feeling of realizing I’m alive and my existence was reality? Or am I dreaming in my own world making my own illusion? There are question that stuck inside my heart, however, I just stop battle inside my own dream.
                I just want to stay by reality, I’m happy. My girlfriend is always as beautiful as she used to be. Being adorable and very lovely that made me felt the existence of me in reality. Slowly I picked up the line and pulling back the trash that I wrote before to the other side of the world.
                Such fantasies don’t exist but if we live our life in such an honest feeling, we felt happier and realize how beautiful it was. Not a word could describe them.
“Gravity is just a law that basically we hold onto but there is magic,
that brought us to the unthinkable.”

June 28, 2012

Ice Land

There are no rules...
No holding back.
I step on the wrong land...

I guess its about time for me to step away from everything. I gotta be something more than any could have expect. It is all stupid. However, I'd been stupid enough in letting myself to flow by the stupidity that made me a puppet. No one can touch my weakness. By the end of June, I will be the ultimate strength of shadow. I will stand for my own believe and I swear, I'll pay each and every price I have too. I am a freak, a monster in such a little weak body but there ain't gonna be a word of weak. I will change my weakness and nobody can touch that. Nobody could realize it too.

I hate the fact of life, I hate the law of it.

Someday I'll step on the a new land. Someday I'll will stand back where I have to and someday I'll get what I deserve. I swear when that moment of life comes, I will cover the horizon to ice. I will cover the world to ice and shadow.

I will...

June 06, 2012

Story Behind My Times

Years after years. I thought I almost forgot. However I was surprise I could remember them. Flashing back would not be a pretty bad idea. I remember the old me I used to be, which I could divide the other side of me without bothering my personalities. When I get old, I get greedy. Before I used to be so brave about what I could face. However, I could never be that brave again. It was part of me playing my own games. Pretending. There was never a diary called Valentine. She was the other side of me I used to hide. From now on, I just wanna be true. That's what I learned ever since I get to be with my girlfriend. She's not just a random girl who appear to be inside my story. She was the one who was always there in my chapter ever since my journey of finding the light begin. For years now, I still couldn't find the light that I was reaching for but I reach her. I finally could stumble through those rock that block my road from her.

"I got her hands now" .

My name is Liz Valentine. That was the old me when I was a kid. I named myself that way. The fact is I'm a multiple person. For years after my first darkest history, I made her exist in me. Up until now, she was always there inside of me. Its part of myself I can never forget. I guess for now I should have remembered how important she was. She was my only spirit who gets me there to face my own fear. She was the only one that could bring me to live for another day. She was always me. I made her that way to separate my fear from my own weakness and body. My name is Liz Valentine. I could be anything from the land of the shadow and the land of the earth.

"I'm just another normal human but I'm different."

For years now I look through what I have left on my words. There are many of them. There were things I used to love but I end up hating them. Those memories of school were rubbish I had wasted. False alarm. There was never a true friendship exist in my own chapter. I was only alone at school. Those people there were never nice to me. All they know is catching the trend of the craps among this life. They never took my words seriously but all they could do is making me wrong. I never ask anyone to bother. If life is that suck please leave it with me. Wait til I found my blade of the rebellion and found the land of my past. Then I could help everyone washing this life away and delete the whole existence of me.

"It was never a mistake to be born."

There were fishes in the sea swimming like a real fish. I have never get the chance in my life to step into the water and live like the fish. I hate to be in the water because I fear of the outcomes. Its a total mystery no one can discover. What's in the water deep down inside. Someday, we will discover the secret of the world.

"The light...."

If the sky could ever turns red, I would walk my pace to my garden of the death. The place where each and every loser in my eyes turned dead to the land of my own and live with desperation of breathe like their life was. When the sky turns red, be prepare. I'll be there for the world. Not to play a false game. Its not a game people, its not a routine. Its a definition I will write for your own dictionary, where my chapter will be writing for you, with your own blood.

"Welcome home Valentine..." I was always there. So did I... Nobody tell me what to do, nobody can tell me how my life is and nobody can ask me to shut up.