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September 30, 2012

A World That Was Never There

Valentine, where had you been missing? I'm whispering to you right now can you listen to me?

Just tell me what should I do right now until I could reach out the sky and become powerful and immortal like you? Just how much louder should I scream until I can stop feeling the pain inside of me. However, enough is enough. The world of mine had slowly destroyed by the hand of Valentine. When I had the ability to awaken Valentine, on my own hand by myself I'm crashing every pieces of my life without hesitation. But then why am I not happy at all? I'm all stuck inside this black hole that I don't find a hope...

I run but I cannot run.... Such bitter memories always let me fall whenever I tried to run... Every piece of those fun memories are escaping but I couldn't reach out. My left leg is hurting so bad and I can no longer move at all. At the middle of the field I was crying and right there I saw a magical shadow that shines from above the sky that is trying to pull me. My tears are dried but I take my blade out and slash every piece of the shadow with full of anger. I don't care about anything. I have no hands to hold me and I am above the world, not others.

I will move in any possible ways no matter how desperate it is. And I swear I'm not an Angel nor the Satan but I am a God by myself in my own world and someday I will find that world!

Just no matter who is stopping me, I'll break through it and break it really hard. Whoever comes to hurt me I'll be prepared with a very valiant shield that will block it and then I'll destroy every piece of the world really damn good!

I don't laugh or I don't cry. I'm just a doll exactly the one that I collected. those are my friend for my lifetime. They are my only friends for now. Who cares about such shit in this life anymore? Someday, I'll destroy this life. I just made my statement here and as the matter of fact, I'll make it happens soon.

September 29, 2012

Is It Just Coincidence?

I hate a very rough day today... It was really harsh...
I'm all alone right now in my own world all the time..
I am a really sad person and I really hope I will find love again...

Earlier tonight I was walking alone. I had a very long walk. Before I begin, I make myself a reason to walk. So I look up at the sky, its almost full moon today. It might sound crazy but I had decided to chase after the moon. My leg is totally painful right now but I still find it worth every steps for me.

I took hours of walking to chase after the moon. It was about 4 or 5 km I guess? I'm really suck at measurement so please understand. During the time that I chase the moon, I was looking for direction and on the journey, I had gone through lots of places. It was interesting but dark at night. Some seems a little bit boring but I love being by the waterfront. So I walk and walk, I felt lonely but it felt like I'm exist in my own world. And I was talking alone. To be honest, I wanted to fall in love again. I lost interest toward people already. Slowly I love the attention from guys but that won't make me love guys. I'm a straight person.

So when I went to a location which was pretty close under the moon, the moon gotten darker and when I couldn't see it, I stopped and see where I ended up. It was somewhere at a restaurant. I was very surprised that I found someone there. Was it just coincidence? I would be very sad if it was just a coincidence... Or is it a sign? I felt quite happy when I saw that girl over there. Thinking of the possibility, I think that girl is the only one I can fall in love again. But that very depend too. However, I wish I could get to know that girl. I wish she could recover me from a fallen ground...

I just lost someone I really love... I will take it as a lesson but I will let it be the strength for me to move on with hatred. I can live with the statement but whatever it is, its not a fact so I do know Allah is there to understands how I felt. That's what matter more to me. And I wish someday the girl that I met today, is my future. I wish it ends there like where I had stopped chasing the moon. But I felt like I'm being ignored too. Love is really complicated and harsh. But I will take what Yume stated to me. Yume is my stepmother to me. She said that the person doesn't deserve me no matter who's wrong. I now understand some part of it already but I do wish I could fall in love again and found back my stolen smiles. Maybe even a better smile.

Dear Allah, if you hear my prayer, I wish you could give me a sign or maybe help me overcome this. From now on, I will start my day with bismillah.

September 27, 2012

September don't Need Me

It almost end... I would love it better if someone could wake me up when September ends. I wanna skip time and pick up every pieces of me. Right now, I don't care about sympathy or pity. There isn't one exist in this world. I've been treated all the time and lost in my own battle. From now own, when October is done, I will walk on October Road. Its a new life to start with and it is just an opening. Forget the heartless pain Liz. Its nothing much right? Why would I care about such a thing who don't bother how I felt.

Here I am today, on a piece of paper writing another piece of note. Hey, it had been years now. I wonder if these notes even actually being read? Well, it don't matter to me as long as one day my wish will come true. Right now, after the end of September, I will come to October with full of confident and hatred inside of me. I'm a man with the heart of a women that nobody ever sees that. But it don't matter to me. I believe I could stand up and pick bag every pieces of me from the first chapter til today. I had stop writing for awhile now... My words really dried. I don't find the adventure but I'm lost in a deep empty river. So what if its true? I'm fucked up. I'm screwed. Laugh out loud all you want I don't give a damn. I will be something big.

Someday, I'll pick up my broken bodies, my heart and that includes my smile. I'll learn to smile by my own even if I don't feel needed. Today is my worst day of my life. Wait, September screws me up. I'm not happy. I dream of a world full of destruction. But slowly, I wanna forget my dream, I wanna forget myself. I wanna learn to love myself and learn to appreciate it. I wanna start finding the truth of the world in religion, when I found one, "let human be blame"...

As the matter of fact, it don't matter what I will be. I just wanna feel needed and important. I just wanna have a pair of wings to fly. All I want is a world full of freedom without gravity. To be honest, slowly I'm forgetting that dream. I just want to find a reason for me to live for another day.


September 26, 2012

September's Cracked Crystal

"I dream of freedom without sins..." 

I had been thinking a lot lately. I'm not a very valiant person but I have to be one. Its really ironic how the other side of me, Valentine is a very strong person while the reality of me is all attached to her but stabbed by myself. I hate the reality. Valentine is very brave and strong. When I look at myself, I'm stuck to move on. I'm all attach to the law of life that I hate the most, gravity. Which is the law I had been struggling to break it.

Ever since that I got here, a new place to live and study, I thought this is the best part and a very new chapter... However, its a total mess right now and I'm screwed. Looking at myself from my mirror, I see myself as the most pathetic person. A person standing in tears. In my life, I have to live by knowing. What makes it good at knowing when you know your future is the hardest fact you can never accept. Yeah, that's right. I'm talking about me right now, the person in the future that will hardly grow up and even walk. I had been ignoring it and pretend to not knowing it but it happened to haunt me back. What more now I'm living with a fact the one that I love is the one I'll lost. Please God I ask, could you help me out?

Will there be an angel to take me to the horizon and forget reality? Will there be a hand of hope to pick me so I wouldn't be falling too deep? Will I find a guide or some sort of light that wasn't supposed to be there?

In my dream, I reach out the sky and fight for everything. It was worth every liters of my blood. However, when I woke up, everything is gone. I hate it so much. I'm always on my own world... Everything that I worked on had washed out that easy.

I wore glasses today. I felt a little bit new today but I'm hiding my expression behind a lonely glasses. I'm acting innocent. Wearing glasses made me look a little bit nice but people couldn't see my real expression. Its okay, I'm hiding my smile.

Right now I'm stuck with assignment. I wanna escape from my tears and pain. For now, I wish I could find a reason to move on and smile with it. I wish I will find my freedom and happiness one day even it wasn't supposed to be there. It doesn't matter because I believe that no matter how much the obstacle or lack of hope there is, I believe I can still live with my own blood even I'm full of hatred.

Waking up from a dream last night, maybe that's a sign of the future. I'm afraid to die alone... If my dream are true, please... Change reality. It felt like everything I had or couldn't have, no matter what it is, I'm pretty sure things will be gone. I'm such an unlucky person.

"I dream of freedom without sins..."

September 22, 2012

"A Dream for A World Full of Destruction"

Its been years God damn it...

I had been building up my feelings deep down inside slowly that it gets to be a real sculpture of my heart.  But damn it, just one second that I open my eyes it got taken away just like that. God, how will you help me out from this mess? How will this motherfucking life will be fix or clean up?

I had decided to start a new life with a new path. Now that I'm on that path I found a small light from out of nowhere. I thought it might be a hope but it had already been taken away from me. That hope might not meant for me. I don't know what else could I speak out.

I'd been cursing and screaming at the top of my lungs. I can't breath... Tell me how to breath like I used to be? Tell me how am I supposed to live with such desperate oxygen? How should I define my passion of love?

Where would I be after this? I don't know. All I know is, all we have is what left today... I'm in a flood of tears... I dream of a destruction, I'm really mad and I wanna be on top of the world... I wanna destroy life on earth and become heartless while I challenge the power of universe. I can be Valentine someday. Then, forgive shit but there ain't gonna be gravity for me. I stand by my own!

My words are dried out... There's nothing left meant to speak, it ends up worthless!! Nothing change. Fuck that. I'm tired of this life... Really am! Fuck it God damn it, Fuck That~!