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July 15, 2013

July 2013, An Apple to discover ...

Years had past along with that journey.
It had been a total downhill struggling...

I was at someplace recently, riding my scooter... Mopping around the city at night so I end up staring with my mind elsewhere from reality. So that moment I had wonder, how far had I been? Its pretty much the same like we are playing an online game. There are times you got stuck up at a level or end up not progressing at all. The more effort you put into the game, the more experience you get and the higher level you might reach. However, there are certain people too who are rich so they are gifted to boost up a lot. Same goes to myself here. At the moment, I ended up at the hospital. I kept thinking like tomorrow I was about to die because I'm scared. Looking at life from my perspective, there are million of thing I wanna master and learn but yet so little time to. Also money had been another problem and I'm not gifted. I don't have talent like others do. I kept thinking to myself, what am I naturally good at?

I push myself harder than usual until I end up exhausted and sick. Yet, the progression of my mastering had only going up a little by little. What if one day my dream get stuck? Like people ended up bored so they stop leveling up their character. It goes the same to life too. What am I supposed to do?

I honestly state it to God, I wanna give up. A quarter of me had started to give myself from trying and working harder. To be honest, I'm tired. I was born unlucky and untalented. So I never stop trying but I felt so jealous of how lucky others could have been. How much better they start off drawing without walking from path A-Z. Challenge had getting more difficult and yet I'm pushing myself to break off my limit.

I started complaining and felt down recently. Maybe it was all about support because after all, I'm all alone. I'm just a hard headed guy who stuck there trying his best to impress the others with his capability but there is always a limit.

To even hold a pen properly I couldn't manage to do it. Even my dream to be a writer, I couldn't reach that level yet. I saw people who could even be better than me without working hard as much as I do so I try over and over again. Going deadly until everyone started to get worry about me. I'm exhausted for trying and I guess after all, I'm still weak enough to call myself immortal. It was pathetic.

I wanted to place every message by the ink of my pen but who would really be there to realize what I had gone through. People are selfish enough to bother themselves more and when things gone wrong, they look it from their eyes without realizing what's really going on. However, who am I to expect for someone to care?...

This is the reality of life. At this page here I spoke out weakly. Despite the fact that I was known to be the strongest person. That was written by the others. As a matter of fact, I'm only here weakly hiding.

I have nothing left to say......

Basically what am I doing was crashing myself til my last piece. I wanna get fucked up by life totally until it awakens my shadows. And I keep telling God, "is that it? Why you make things easier by ending up my life!".

I wanna win at everything.

I said it with no confidence. But if there's another disaster to come to eat me up, I'm ready for it. My life had lost its meaning and I'm no longer have the will to survive. So that's why, crash me more...

This is my confession.

July 2013, An Apple to discover

July 01, 2013

An Art of Life, A Path to Decide

So I had gone hating, complaining and blaming towards a lot of things. There are a lot of aspect that had made my life hooked up by the claw of heartless force that had blown me away from the place I used to stand by along with love. What is love, I couldn't spell it out with rationale. I had gone blind, growing up alone without realizing the real definition on the word itself. That's the bottom line I had crossed and gone hatred onward myself or the fact. I never want to end up this way but it all happened too fast and all I could do is follow the orders. I stab it deeply with the tears of blood in my heart, telling me to keep myself held up and saying "this is just going to last just for a while". However, it felt so long until I decide to light up the fire and burn my heart into ashes. Keeping myself into an ugly path and hurt the others while placing my blame to them. I never thought of it to be that way. I don't get my own rationale because I can't think right. Its all numb. I'm totally mute.

I lost my appetite, interest and heart towards a lot of things. All I want is to control gravity and rule this world. I learn to hate and I learn to fight. Getting all wild up and raging all the way I want had been my biggest hobby of life. Who else could understand how much worst I am as the victim and also the cause. Its not like I decide it for myself no matter how much I said it. 

I know its too late but that's not what I want to touch. The only things left for me here right now is this body with dead heart to live until the day I could escape from this town, this state and this life. I want to start over, disappear and forget everything. I want to let that girl live peacefully and gets more beautiful like what I saw from my sleep. No matter how Jen and I were broke from the forbidden bond. I always wish she could proceed with lots and lots of success. It don't matter how I end up anyway, its not like I really care what could have happen to me. I live beyond the shadow and that goes the same  to my past. I remained with my lies and live without any notification towards my despair. 

I never ask for this God but I will never forget how it get started and I swear, I will wash all life from this world and create another world of mine. I swear that I would  and I could.

As I started with a pen,
Holding it with my shaky hand,
Uncertain and afraid of it,
Unwanted words overflowing...
As the ink all messed up on that paper,
I wipe it off over and over,
It never gets better.

So I end up folding it,
Hiding the real fact of the ink,
Even I could make it easier...
Getting a new paper.

"As I point my finger to the sky, I told myself.
I live here, remain alive no matter how much I don't wish for it.
When will the world ends? I'm waiting tiredly."

"hurry! Hurry!!"

"Make this world a better chaos. I dream of despair to rule over the world."

I wish everyone knows my colours and the truth. Dear God, is that too much that I'm asking for? ...

February 04, 2013

A Little Something

What would you think of me now?

Looking at such a man who stand above his very own pain. Drying up his own tears for the sake of becoming stronger. These whole months that had passed had been the longest time of my life and I too had forgotten its February. It should be my happiest month of each and every single years but it has also reminded me how my birthday used to end up.

But that's not what I wanna say...

There is no one place is this town that you had gave me direction to go, yet.

Being strong and proud is my only option and I couldn't have a chance to say thank you for many things.

Time is the biggest fear of my life. I hate it so much to wait and waiting will lead me to a waste of my time and a waste of my feelings. I'm still giving a little hope as much as I could to believe what I used to. However, there are spaces of that room fulfill with hopes had been darken with shadows.

Maybe someday, perhaps...

I could feel it on my skin. The touch of love that I had been hoping for.

An Arrogant Voice of Mine

There are some people who came from a very dark places. They are not as kind as the way people think everyone could just be. To be true, there are certain things that cannot be change for sure.

Here is another punk chapter, a rebel, an anarchist.

The fact of mine to break the law of gravity is how I wanted to make this world an upside down. Why would I wanna do so? I got this question over and over again. The only answer for that is because I hate this world and I wanna open people eyes to see and judge the way I feel about it. With such disaster too I could control this whole world and bring it into a place where human could be blame. Even if I'm part of a human but my heart and soul had brought me to somewhere only God knows. I live in the dark side, burning my very own heart and throwing away my humanity inside of me. The pain can never eliminates my kindness.

I'm burning for the sake of becoming stronger. That's how I have lost a little of humanity. However, it don't matter if I does. Until someday when I had successfully awaken the shadow in my heart, I would completely turns the horizon in layer of ice that keeps this world cold and the sun will melt it so the whole earth would be cover by water... The gravity is to be blame for pulling it too.

An arrogant voice of mine had spoken, when will time come? I don't know but I'm looking forward for it.

January 29, 2013

"Keep Walking, Keep Running, and... "

I've come to a world. A situation. I guess its another part of growing up. However, I have no words left to speak and no where else left to go. When could I find that world? A promised was made to my own. I'm prepared to walk the path and ride along with the devil. For that very moment too, I've change and desperately hiding a message. Who are there to hear anyway? Who are there to give a fuck. What's the point of talking directly even if the message wasn't heard or delivered? What's the point of taking an action when this whole thing was all the way it seems. It leaves me no choice to hate upon destiny. I lost my faith for keeping on and holding onto that title. I've abandon it.

For the sake of myself... For the sake of being stronger.

Coward? I guess it was. Selfish? I knew that. However, have this world ever seen why people turn selfish? for those who wasn't really that selfish, they won't get it because what they had receive by the love of God, a luck or I like to say it a blessing. I've gotten greedy for achieving my dream. To gain trust and love. Defending myself and fight for it for what I truly is, not the way it seems. With these tears in my eyes, I be honest now, its pathetic fighting for yourself to gain trust and to prove your own loyalty. After all, they still look at me the same way. Or perhaps, she... Never open that heart of the eyes for me.

I wanted someone to come and save me, learn me. Know the real me. That purity in my eyes was just a joke to people. However, I mean it. And had treasured it up until now. Believing that God will be the only witness, it keeps me stronger and still have faith to live on in such a dark world. Valentine had her lips all covered just the way I wish I could have been mute. WHY?! Because talking is worthless!! I had been going through a hard battle to prove myself pure and to protect the truth. However, this world was a real game. It swallowed my sanity of reality and made fun of me. I can never forgive everything. Someday when my ticket has come to time, I will and always will, fight to be against the time of the world and coincidence.

So what if I speak of anything anyway. After all, I knew it from the start. I will never find the person who could protect my heart and wipe of my tears. Maybe its a sin to fight against time and its a sin to hurt. I hate to compare my situation or feeling but just how blind enough, to hardly see me? Long hair suit me most because it covers my face. Even if there is a light, I don't wanna be visible when I'm such invisible.

Here lastly I wanna say this, I have never manipulate my feeling or change my heart. I won't go back to the past or anything too. Hopefully people will learn to regret. Its nobody to be blame. Its just that...

Its nothing after all. I will learn to delete my treasures and feelings. Sometime in a fight, maybe true you fight for something and to protect something. However, since I had grow up, I never once feeling protected. I had done a lot, yet, what do I really get? ... I got to suffer from this.

But so what? Call me greedy or selfish. It don't matter to me, it don't matter at all. I gave up to fighting for my relationship even I never wanted to. No matter how hard I fight, I fought alone. Yet, my expectation was too high that you could live up to it. Sorry that I lie you're perfect enough to me. You're not and so am I. Some part of me find its simply stupid to have given it all for someone when that person never really reach you at all. I promised myself to never cry anymore from now on and to move on without hesitation.

Priceless isn't it? I hate to come to this. But that's it. After all you want me to see this and that, learn everything and realize more. However, you never look up upon my heart and protect it. And you'll find reason for that instead of realizing how selfish you. I made my final decision to really go on this time and goodbye forever. I had never deleted anything about you even the paper years ago and our first picture at Curtin together. But, I guess its about time to learn how stupid I am still leaving my feelings on this. Like you know what will you say. Guess its for yourself again, I don't mind you calling me selfish without you knowing how much you were.





January 23, 2013

Forbidden Chorus & a Sealed Verse

Today, I had encountered a mystery. To think that this whole thing was a game or experiment, I was wrong ... Like I always do. Negativity live beyond our mind and soul from the shadow of hatred. It was the same as I had given myself into despair. I thought I had fail to grow stronger and fight for it. To live in such discriminated world where I thought I was standing alone, I was scared because without her hand, I am nothing more than just the boy I was back then looking at something precious I could never achieve without even trying. However, that was the shadow of my past that I had sealed with love and a desperation of melody. Now that I realized, I haven't grow enough yet. My heart was still sealed that way with blame and obsession. To let go of something and to forgive is such an impossible pill for me.

However, way back to the very unforgettable March, from years back then, I thought I had set my shadow free and had achieve a pair of wings to protect and to fly free. However, a fake hope was created back then from myself in order to protect a lie. There was never a reflection of my feelings and I had gone through a thousand different kind of way to unlock it. However, I could never achieve the real deal of my bond, "la lover". It was never there back then. Its all desires and obsession. A fool is truly foolish and I had made a wrong choice to get along with it. Without being learn or understand.

Even years had passed now, to find the true melody of that missing deal was never to be found, perhaps. That's for now on. I will continue or wait until my sealed note had grow more and achieve the treasure of destiny line. Despite the smile on my face, Valentine was just there all the time. However, I had made a confusion of my very own destiny and fate.

The real me live in the missing verse, of my very own foolish deal. That had cause the innocence to step on such misfortune. However, that selfishness lives beyond the ocean of lies. To dream of such desire world and desire beauty with the real pair of lover, had made me fooled by my own foolish dreams beyond another dream. Valentine or myself, it was just a total separation of reality and wish. However, I had always wish my wish happens on reality. Few had achieve but huge amount of them have not.

So the sealed deal, I had written it with my very own chapter... But... It has getting darker and darker. Reality is slowly fading with wishes and those wishes had erased some part of me with my memories. However, an incredible incident happens without the holder realizing it. She had her deal spoken in my sleep.

From that very part of realization, I had lost. That very pair of wings I had dream of to protect and to fly free, was never there and Valentine had been showing me the truth even it was a lie. In between lies or truth, there are time we never realize that those lies were some truth beyond the messengers. My wings, there's never as colorful as I stated before. The truth is, it was always black and I never had found a single bit of reality colors in it.

Its because there wasn't a wish of mine, has actually come true. Emotionally, she steps into my life and had me awaken after my lost. I had moved on to show achieve my pages of memories and find a real dream of my life. So I wrote millions of unwanted pages in my very own treasure and had sealed to death. My mind had lost its sanity and logic, I could never find those pieces of the sealed melody. Up until now, I always wish my lady had grow more and unseal her very own shadow too because I've seen it from my dream without knowing. Up until forever, there is not a bit my lady could have any idea who I am. Instead of judging, I wish you could have learn from the very start. Those chapter I had wrote, was to protect, the future... Without suffering.

Apology to me means nothing much then a cheap pity of attention. This is the truth of reality that has been for now, not even you could see it. However, even there is no next time. Open your eyes and unlock the sealed verse of your own and look at me more carefully like I thought you were the one who could!

Scale or calculation aren't the kind of chemical for love even if consideration. Ego is the pain of shadow and the most unseal-able ugliness and waste of words. This world has always rejected me for some very reason up until now, nobody know and you had never have a clue of.

Its nothing about mystic or magic. Don't overdo it. Freedom can never be judged or tell. The real freedom was still dark and the heart of yours was lacked from that and up until now, you've believe those truth in your eyes was the truth. There are times to realize, those truth beyond the lens of our eyes, were just lies.

Grow that heart, and the possibilities of achieving the answer of your missing verse, will be found.

That's all from me, "Melody"