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July 15, 2013

July 2013, An Apple to discover ...

Years had past along with that journey.
It had been a total downhill struggling...

I was at someplace recently, riding my scooter... Mopping around the city at night so I end up staring with my mind elsewhere from reality. So that moment I had wonder, how far had I been? Its pretty much the same like we are playing an online game. There are times you got stuck up at a level or end up not progressing at all. The more effort you put into the game, the more experience you get and the higher level you might reach. However, there are certain people too who are rich so they are gifted to boost up a lot. Same goes to myself here. At the moment, I ended up at the hospital. I kept thinking like tomorrow I was about to die because I'm scared. Looking at life from my perspective, there are million of thing I wanna master and learn but yet so little time to. Also money had been another problem and I'm not gifted. I don't have talent like others do. I kept thinking to myself, what am I naturally good at?

I push myself harder than usual until I end up exhausted and sick. Yet, the progression of my mastering had only going up a little by little. What if one day my dream get stuck? Like people ended up bored so they stop leveling up their character. It goes the same to life too. What am I supposed to do?

I honestly state it to God, I wanna give up. A quarter of me had started to give myself from trying and working harder. To be honest, I'm tired. I was born unlucky and untalented. So I never stop trying but I felt so jealous of how lucky others could have been. How much better they start off drawing without walking from path A-Z. Challenge had getting more difficult and yet I'm pushing myself to break off my limit.

I started complaining and felt down recently. Maybe it was all about support because after all, I'm all alone. I'm just a hard headed guy who stuck there trying his best to impress the others with his capability but there is always a limit.

To even hold a pen properly I couldn't manage to do it. Even my dream to be a writer, I couldn't reach that level yet. I saw people who could even be better than me without working hard as much as I do so I try over and over again. Going deadly until everyone started to get worry about me. I'm exhausted for trying and I guess after all, I'm still weak enough to call myself immortal. It was pathetic.

I wanted to place every message by the ink of my pen but who would really be there to realize what I had gone through. People are selfish enough to bother themselves more and when things gone wrong, they look it from their eyes without realizing what's really going on. However, who am I to expect for someone to care?...

This is the reality of life. At this page here I spoke out weakly. Despite the fact that I was known to be the strongest person. That was written by the others. As a matter of fact, I'm only here weakly hiding.

I have nothing left to say......

Basically what am I doing was crashing myself til my last piece. I wanna get fucked up by life totally until it awakens my shadows. And I keep telling God, "is that it? Why you make things easier by ending up my life!".

I wanna win at everything.

I said it with no confidence. But if there's another disaster to come to eat me up, I'm ready for it. My life had lost its meaning and I'm no longer have the will to survive. So that's why, crash me more...

This is my confession.

July 2013, An Apple to discover

July 01, 2013

An Art of Life, A Path to Decide

So I had gone hating, complaining and blaming towards a lot of things. There are a lot of aspect that had made my life hooked up by the claw of heartless force that had blown me away from the place I used to stand by along with love. What is love, I couldn't spell it out with rationale. I had gone blind, growing up alone without realizing the real definition on the word itself. That's the bottom line I had crossed and gone hatred onward myself or the fact. I never want to end up this way but it all happened too fast and all I could do is follow the orders. I stab it deeply with the tears of blood in my heart, telling me to keep myself held up and saying "this is just going to last just for a while". However, it felt so long until I decide to light up the fire and burn my heart into ashes. Keeping myself into an ugly path and hurt the others while placing my blame to them. I never thought of it to be that way. I don't get my own rationale because I can't think right. Its all numb. I'm totally mute.

I lost my appetite, interest and heart towards a lot of things. All I want is to control gravity and rule this world. I learn to hate and I learn to fight. Getting all wild up and raging all the way I want had been my biggest hobby of life. Who else could understand how much worst I am as the victim and also the cause. Its not like I decide it for myself no matter how much I said it. 

I know its too late but that's not what I want to touch. The only things left for me here right now is this body with dead heart to live until the day I could escape from this town, this state and this life. I want to start over, disappear and forget everything. I want to let that girl live peacefully and gets more beautiful like what I saw from my sleep. No matter how Jen and I were broke from the forbidden bond. I always wish she could proceed with lots and lots of success. It don't matter how I end up anyway, its not like I really care what could have happen to me. I live beyond the shadow and that goes the same  to my past. I remained with my lies and live without any notification towards my despair. 

I never ask for this God but I will never forget how it get started and I swear, I will wash all life from this world and create another world of mine. I swear that I would  and I could.

As I started with a pen,
Holding it with my shaky hand,
Uncertain and afraid of it,
Unwanted words overflowing...
As the ink all messed up on that paper,
I wipe it off over and over,
It never gets better.

So I end up folding it,
Hiding the real fact of the ink,
Even I could make it easier...
Getting a new paper.

"As I point my finger to the sky, I told myself.
I live here, remain alive no matter how much I don't wish for it.
When will the world ends? I'm waiting tiredly."

"hurry! Hurry!!"

"Make this world a better chaos. I dream of despair to rule over the world."

I wish everyone knows my colours and the truth. Dear God, is that too much that I'm asking for? ...