September 11, 2014
Its strange to me to realize how it brought me there.
But then again it was a total adventure to begin with.
That's what keeping me smiling through times.
At least I could mean it this time.
It was a fight.
I faced myself on the day before I got back to this city.
The day before I brought myself here, I came to this changes.
I don't get it too and I questioned myself over and over again.
Before I actually figure the answers, I doubt everything and make my own conclusion.
I don't get it.
What are these hesitation means...
After all, putting out those glasses of mine to cover me up...
I'm visible for my own.
'This is me, a coward.'
Calling myself Lies for the confusion and denial I made my own.
However, I thank God I hesitate too.
Because I already know what am I about to face.
But then again, I'm not afraid of that. I was afraid I made the wrong choice.
There is something lacking in me all the time,
I wasn't sincere at all.
So I hold back my objective and walk through it.
And I wasn't rejected to begin with.
I was a winner out of my own.
For I am brave enough to learn this possibilities and fight forward.
I ran but I didn't run off.
Because my heart itself is pointing me a direction.
The moment I enter my flight I learned something new.
I know I gotta do the right thing.
But why must it be now? I questioned myself over and over again.
Until the plane landed to this city and I took off my phone.
As I turned it on,
I search her name up on the contact. I actually leave her a text message letting her know I arrived here.
And I can't wait to see her...
There are voices in my head.
I'm listening to it echoing to me.
I guess the old me never fades away.
In fact, I was just the same person I was back then.
Before I step my foot out the airport, I look up the sky and I mentioned someone name.
And I bet some people do know who was I talking about.
For she was the person who was the reason I smile before and the reason I lost it too.
I was childish back then.
But then again it wasn't only me. Things don't work out so I guess she wasn't really meant for me.
However, she meant something to me.
For she had given me the ultimate light to see this dark narrow blindfolded life.
It wasn't that bad and it wasn't that good.
But she brought me the opportunity for I am about to reach my prayer.
As I step foot out the airport.
The wind blows me through my hair and it felt great to be home.
I guess I miss this place and I felt home for some good reason.
I was always on the negative thought.
But on that particular time I look at it differently.
I look through it on the bright side.
The possibilities of this life are undefined.
And I saw my phone messages.
Few hours later I went to her house.
It was only Raya visiting.
But I know I wasn't only that.
We have never seen each other for real and that was the day I saw her for real.
Why was I so speechless?
Where had my voice gone?
What happen to my confidence?
Which is my heart now?
And How am I supposed to be?
The last question was 'Who am I?'
That question had given me a light to welcome my personality back to myself.
The kind old me who wasn't spreading his hatred unnecessarily.
Maybe I was only releasing my anger.
However, this girl I met in my life for the first time ever...
She had given me this warm and comfortable feeling.
We talk about things and it all went well.
I didn't know I could be these shy and I was looking at the sky.
Sending my voice towards my past and dig out my lost self from the shadow.
I haven't change after all.
I was only fooling around and making myself a complete idiot.
It brought me to tears thinking about what it had been before.
But there is no time for pity for I had seen the ultimate treasure of my life that day,
'Am I falling in love for real?'
I denied that feeling and push myself away from it.
I was after all a coward of all time. Maybe not.
But I did hold back that time.
It freaks me out knowing that I have a heart to feel all this emotions.
I failed to delete myself and I fail to throw my humanity away.
Wasn't I did it only out of sadness and pain? Poor me for being such a lonely heart.
But I wasn't lonely.
Because the person I met for the reason why I came home too was the ultimate reason for everything.
After a while we get to know each other.
I know I felt it.
I know I realized it.
It burns my heart and I can't take it no longer that I brought it to a confession.
'I love you too' was the last word before I heard before I got it here today on this beautiful days of my life.
I opened my door for love and I had brought the ultimate gift for both of us to hold on one another and smile again and again.
That's how I got myself here writing today after a long time I sealed myself away along with my pain.
It was silly.
It was ridiculous.
And it matters not anymore.
I don't know what she thinks about it and how the whole world sees it.
My happiness is for my own after all.
Only God knows for I had mentioned it in my prayers time after times.
He sees it, He saw us and He had destined us to meet.
She was the 7 stars after all.
And I was the 8th star of hers.
Because I brought it there that day on the 8th of August.
An Autumn, the fallen of the years.
It was wonderful as the season came by.
Because I wasn't alone to feel that way.
I know I always had someone to come with.
That day had came to us and it had been a month of journey with us together.
It was simply a blessing.
And I thank God for He had answered my prayer.
This lady of mine had given me the angelic smile that sent me to paradise.
And why are we holding back?
FIGHT for what is right.
Because we can't simply come to a conclusion without figuring its answer.
Things get in the way. But it wasn't really what it is.
We let things get in the way and we are actually the key towards every answers.
I FOUGHT myself,
I FACED myself.
And that's how I met you.
May 27, 2014
So I took the bridge I see up ahead of my direction.
Despite knowing the destination I might get into.
I walk to it...
And I walk into a huge layers of fog that killed my visuals.
I was unable to see, unable to know and unable to feel what's ahead.
I wasn't alone for I had you to hold onto my hand but we had let go of it.
It don't matter who did it but it does matter for who was at fault.
I could have catch you but instead I lost my track and took the wrong path.
And so it had been 581 days of mine walking on this bridge.
I may be alone or maybe not for I believe you might as well be walking on the same path of mine.
However, I am not pretty sure if you had made it without me.
Or maybe you did.
Or maybe I truly was alone after all.
I was swallowed by the fog.
Not anybody could found me yet.
I found myself crying over this music where I used to play. It was the song I shared to you as well.
"Into Your Arms." From my favorite band...
I cut my nails for after awhile I had been keeping it.
I cut my hairs for after awhile I had left it grows.
But I can't cut the number of days I had the hardest time learning these reality without you.
I see my life as a pointless dream without you.
But I treasure every dream for I could had the touch of love with you.
When you hold me tight, I can feel it for how much you had love me.
I'm all dried out of words to speak for I have nothing much left to say but too much to feel.
I'm writing them out all in words to line up every sort of spoken notes in my head.
I can hear voices of yours and voices of mine where the day I could laugh without faking it.
I wanna see those light you show me and those tiny little sight that you could cut through these fog for me to see through it...
I want you by my side without the need of anyone to know what's right or wrong.
Because you are what I need in life and I'm stating it out with this heart of mine.
That had been drowned in the flood of love and I barely caught myself dying.
I maybe be nullified on the expression of mine but my feeling lives for as long as I breath on earth.
And I want you to come lead me out of the fog if you could.
Jen, it had been 581 days I couldn't call your name.
I couldn't speak to you.
Or even to see you smiling at me.
I couldn't see you looking into my eyes.
I couldn't feel you in my hands...
And I couldn't feel I'm alive in your life.
If it takes me to lose everything for me to reverse my time and get back to the days we were fighting over our future... I would be more than ready to change them. I don't mind. But I will come back with a new me so I could bend over those ugly pain that I gave... only....
If you need me.
Or maybe not.
I can't tell.
April 02, 2014
Today on the month of April, its already 2014. 8 years had gone ever since I started writing on this page. I keep changing the title until I finalized it as "Another Punk Chapter" since it was unique and a lot easier to search on Google. The reason why I started writing was because I had a dream to inspire people and also to share this adventurous world. In my perspective I found this growing up adventure was fascinating. It sadden me looking at myself for not writing so long until I lost my fans. I wish there are still remaining readers out there and also I hope that someone in particular is reading. Speaking of life, I had grown up a lot and things had change completely.
I question myself, "What will I do with my life if I stop writing?"
I ended with an answer by doing so. Its miserable and pointless. Every second I spent my time with words I felt the warmth of life inside me. It felt like I wasn't alone because the moment I speak and write, I could feel it that God was there to listen to me. So I wrote them down to keep myself believing so. I wanna build my prayer and walk on the right path.
Speaking of love...
It was a total disaster that I'd made. I've learned the biggest lesson and I'll live by the slap on my face. Thanking for it would sounded so sarcastic but I gotta tell, it brought me to the shadow. I fell on my pit where I trapped myself into it. This brought me back to February 22nd year 2010. The girl I love once told me this "nobody's perfect Liz... If you felt like you're being challenged, let it go because those are just words set up to trap you." I got caught up here and I've barely forgot what she taught me before. Yet, I never said Thank You for that. After reading back that line, I feel the strength in me had recover a little. There is still a large percentage of mine that I could never let her go. As the matter of fact, I'd been denying that I still loving that person. However, I wanna be honest. Loud & clear. I'm tired of these lies. After all I've been trying so hard to show that I moved on faster but yet I ended up trapping myself in my own pit.
I've learned how to pick myself up. I could have used a ladder but I was so selfish that I ended up getting my nails injured for climbing that pit. It's a lot of pain to handle but yet I regret nothing from it. I took it as a note for me to remember when I am about to repeat another mistake of mine. Which I also wanna drop all my egos and stop being such a denial.
My name is Liz and I've always love my name. I'm here today to look up to the future and move on without forgetting my past. The most important lesson in my life was never to fix or bend my mistake in the past. All I did was trying to feel better but it turns out, I am doing what I'd denied. However, I open my eyes today and use that past as a guide for a better tomorrow and also to be true.
I never hate that girl but in fact, I wish I could be true towards what happened but I wasn't brave enough to speak up. Am I going to trap this feeling and story letting it stayed untold? I can't decide myself and yet I wasn't certain about telling it. Once I lied they will only see me a liar. If I speak out today, it won't matter for tomorrow because that's how I'd been looked up lately. I've changed but not everyone could see that because the thing is, I don't need to be notice except I want her to know what I'm saying.
For my entire life I've always had her to talk to. Once we lost each other I had only been spoken to the wall and annoyed people to let go my depression. This note I wrote here is the truth of my own. I wrote this personally. This is the voice of mine and also the missing part of me where I used to write personally.
So I'll end this post here. I might had sound so pathetic but I don't mind for a bit. In fact I'm smiling with tears that I could speak up. I'm such a coward to fight but I'm such an idiot to add fuels to the fire. Childish but yet it doesn't matter for now.
I'm Liz, 20 years old and had started a business on my own. I found my future but yet it sadden me for not having the last puzzle of my life. Which was her. I wanna share this achievement to her but what will it does? I wish she was here for me with the loveliest smile I knew. However, a man like me deserve no such thing from her.
January 26, 2014
bring this world down. with u.
destroying them. with pleasure.
watch me. as i born.
to be the ultimate.
destroying the sky.
All those blue from the ocean.
They were lies. it was only reflection.
now ive come to conclusion.
it cant be help. The auqatic nature ive born in.
Was plain colourless.
Except red. My blood.
I was only using the blue.
It gives me colour.
In order to feel exist.
Now Im taking away the sky.
Fill them with blood.
Ill laugh at the success.
Yeah. My dream to watch humanity destroyed.
Ill start them.
with the SKY!
I guess my exitance had totally erased from your life.
Im decided to freeze the barrier that still connects my feeling.
This beautiful eyes of mine that witness the sky you told me. When I miss you. You placed our memories there.
I poke my eyes with madness.
Ill covered it with layers of ice.
Im sealing it again.
This time Ill make sure to destroy them into tiny little pieces.
I will not leave a single piece.
Ill give it some times.
Collecting your hatred.
When Ive reach my limit.
Watch these memories fall apart.
Maybe for you it does not matter at all.
Or maybe the sky was a total lie.
I will never know.
But if you wanna erase me that bad.
I rather erased entirely.
You will never see how much I suffered.
I trusted you with the sky.
I thought it was beautiful.
But I guess it was a joke.
I want them all.
Ill laugh and laugh until humanity falls apart.
I wanna witness.
The chaos. Within your beautiful eyes.
I have a dream. I drop them hard.
I will covered with ice.
When the time comes.
It will melt over the entire world.
Let us live that way.
With no freedom.
Slowly. I wanna me the shadow.
The way you look at me.
As I wasnt exist at all.
u had no idea my much i love her.
it will never be the same at all.
its blinded by God and its not romantic.
people said but it was a curse!
i cursed too much today.
i cursed on every single little things.
and i lost my mind for a bit. wanna lock myself up and stay away from people.
once in a while...
maybe tomorrow will be a better start.
tell me u fucking hate me or shits.
ill be happy for them!
at least if you still hate me.
i know where it leads me too.
you can only hate a person for caring.
lemme u exist la wey.
to you goddamn house now.
sure get beat up for holding this religion but leave me there hanging.
1 drop of tears from urs ill be fucking fine..
another slap from u ill take it as our last kiss.
u wanna kick me or punch me ill catch ur hands and feel the strength.
lemme do it by myself.
i just wanna hear ur voice.
tell me im exist or lemme knw u were exist.
or else. this sky u told me to look at when i miss u.
ill freeze them all and fucking melt them.
itll falls fast enough to flood a big chaos.
destroying smiles and this world because i hate this place and life.
people only knw how to judge blindly when they never had seen ny perspective.
i used to love the sky.
just tell me u still look at the same one.
or else. i would set it to frozen and burn them. just like loneliness and hatred did.
r u doin this to let me hate u.
then ill take it as i love u for the last time.
if u fall dead.
ill make a pet of u and control the other side of the world.
have u forgotten. i had never once lay a feelin to others.
the truth is i locked them.
i redesign my own heart to live as a robot.
be part of system i fucking hate it.
u were the greatest thing that ever happen to me.
and im still playing strong in front of u.
i guess ive reach my limit.
if i saw u tonight in my dreams.
ill stab ur heart with my own hand.
i wanna see the same blood so at least that tears of urs tell me u hate me as a monster.
have u forgotten. i was once Valentine in ur sleep.
a shadow. a darkness. an evil. an obsession.
in fact. i still motherfuckin am and i spoke alone landing all my words because i can never say it to another causalities of the society.
have u forgotten i hate to be socialize.
because i hate people.
i hate everythin.
i once dream to break the law of gravity.
because i am liz.
the only one u once love.
u were there to love me for the fact of who i am.
u picked me up from thay ugly path.
and i wanted to give u a sign i wasnt meaning anythin but i bet uve gone tired of all this craps.
u once was a dragon who confused about the feeling of protecting master and love.
be that dragon again and ill be Valentine.
lets fight and die together in the same old dream.
i used to had beautiful dreams everyday.
i used to be happy.
i dont want some "like" on social network.
i want u to bring me back the land i created while u where angelically waiting for me on the castle tops feeling white pigeons. they love hearing u sing.
ur body was dried and covered with disease bit still...
u were godly beautiful that even if i date up 1000 of ladies.
none of them could love me the way u do.
maybe someday i can awaken Valentine.
when I reached there. ill catch u to that city i created.
it was once covered in ice when we once break up.
then when we hold our hands and start with kissed. they were gently melting.
however. i let then break into piece and destroyed the entire city.
u survived and so am i.
i was the king there. i rule there.
no one can ever reach the princess.
i was super over protective before to u.
n u never complain...
yet u listen...
we both wanna abandon reality together bt our dreams are just like the pencil u dropped.
only u can know it.
yet. i know u might not be able to see this.
so fuck me and myself again.
i promised u i will destroyed the city and bring u back and rebuild them.
but i guess i couldnt.
all i could is to at least believe the sky was as blue as u said.
the color of ur master's eyes.
that was how deep it was when we were together.
i define love with a book with no last page.
that is love! not just relationship and kisses.
this were how crazy we were.. yet.
it came to an end.
people used to love us so much.
we inspired them.
they were disappointed as well.
i build a castle to live. i was happy...
a few second later. i destroyed them.
u are no hope.
i dont know what to say.
i just letting my feeling go.
this life is hopeless and a ridiculous joke.
God played me. dragged me into a dream land n i realized i slept for a day. woke up tired and hungry.
i thought i ate with u recently.
and oh God.
I created another wall.
yet. this time. i watch it destroyed....
fuck me hard. thank u.
fucking shit and fucking life.
fucking people too.
this is me from the olden days.
the shadow will be awaken again.
ill be a real valentine.
ill DESTROY THAT FUCKING SKY IF I CAN!!
January 22, 2014
By my side.
Let's take the side walk.
Having a small talk.
Watching the dark sky.
Not wanting you to cry.
Because I was the one who let you go."
I'm not sure where the road up ahead will lead me to.
I walk along and run along with the systems.
Keep telling myself how impossible it is that I could break through.
However, will life ever gave me another choice or more?
Will people stop pushing me on making decision.
Take me back to 2010.
Every single days, weeks and months were the greatest.
And so I let it happened.
I had danced along with the devil.
Letting another destroy the entire bricks that had stood up there for almost 3 years...
However, it was vulnerable against the wall.
I did pray...
I did hope...
I did ask for a change...
But there is God to keep looking at me.
And I don't get it. Not a bit.
But I was holding up on her words.
I should have been ready for everything.
Not just to be a boyfriend.
But to be the one she will hold up onto and bring it to the sky...
As if we have a pair of wings to fly.
But we caught up ourselves.
I did it decided that way. Even if it wasn't me that ended it.
But I set fire on her trust.
It was on purpose as well.
But I had enough hardship to face her mother.
What more our religion kept killing us and created a river.
I can't jump with these pair of legs.
They are weak, broken and useless.
Just like the owner.
As rubbish as me. I bet its worse than that.
I did pray to God for at least one day I could see her smiling at me again.
That angelic smile of hers could send me to paradise in a few second after that.
It travelled faster than light ever did.
And I wanna listen to that voice again.
The song she wrote for me.
The song we sang together.
And eating the cake I once bake for a lifetime just for the sake of making her smile.
I wanna see her in the clothes I once bought for her.
With the same scent of roses around her.
Do you have any idea how much this entire I had been fucking up myself?..
And I kept writing things like this so you would see how fucked up I am.
And HELL I never wanna let you go honestly.
Its just like what you once told me. Desperate.
Its for the best, I did all I could as requested.
Breaking up with solve everything.
You remember the day I said I would return as the Ultimate Valentine?
I will and pay revenge on the cause.
I did blame myself so I shall die with your mother.
Someday when the shadow of mine had awaken.
I definitely will come and fight.
However, I cant do it.
So Ill left this note letting you to hate me more.
Over and over again.
It cant be help.
But I was happy, every night to be able to stay by your side in my dreams.
No matter who am I, or who am I with, or wherever I'll be.
I just wanna continue onward living that way.
Because your eyes reflected the skylight to me.
I'm not sure where is it gonna be.
I tried looking inside out from a different window..
For a better point of view.
Yes I did it my way.
My foolish, stupid and reckless way.
My entire body will dies someday.
It would be dead with the entire sins of mine that I planted on you.
"I hear the sound of the morning clock,
Birds and the water from my sink.
I saw that plain ceiling of mine,
Kitchen and the wash room I wash of my face...
Everyday is just like that."
Back to 2010.
You would kiss me in the morning on the mobile phone.
Without saving the name on it I still would know its you.
With the last 4 digits of 2181.
I guess the sealed of my heart is getting worse.
But don't worry, I'll seal them up and you'll continue to hate me.
You're gone, that's a fact.
And true it does echoes every emptiness of my heart that I once locked desperately.
I had cried too much that I bet I could swim a river of disappointment there.
That was how much I love you until today.
But there is no point too.
I've been hoping someday my phone would rang and there I would see your name.
Despite the fact of fucked up we are,
I would say hello like the previous 15 February we had together.
Formally in our clothes.
You were wearing a black dress.
And walking in hardship with those pair of heels.
In that dark room, the cinema we watched our first movie together.
Percy Jackson - The Lightning Thief...
I was in my white Valentino shirt.
Buttoned up all except the collars.
Wearing my red necklace with the symbol of peace.
With my usual black pants that I wore before I started wearing jeans...
You told me you were cold and my arms was tangled over with your hugs.
And I still remember how I spent half an hour to hold the hand of yours.
Haha, its still funny but this time I can't laugh on it.
All could stupidly cry.
And I wanna feel as stupid as I can for now.
I wanna feel as fucked up as I can so the next morning will be another new day to me.
I wonder, how are you over there right now.
After years along without me by your side.
I ended become your enemy if that's what you call me.
But I still hope that you are still wearing the clothes I gave you.
And also the bracelet I bought from the other side of our country.
The necklace you once bought them for me was tangled every seconds over my neck.
And I guess those girls I dated might have been bored listening to our stories.
I had been trying my best to make them as you but it was the most stupid option I did.
None of them could actually take the position of yours.
None of them can be another person like you or even better.
I ended up making a fool out of them and myself too.
I guess you have moved on very well without me.
But that's a good thing.
I've been crying over you on the entire WeChat status I wrote about you.
I gotta move, some new place. A new country.
A new city.
I really do miss all the noise even our fight.
I'd gone too far that day, that time...
Those stupid hours.
I am lifeless right now.
And yet trying to play God.
Making fun of others.
But while I'm still alive.
I pray to God even if it wasn't meant to reach you.
I hope there would be miracle.
For at least the second I'm still exist.
I want you to know I always love you.
Even if someone would punch me in the face now,
I will still lie down on the very ground I fall and pointless looking.
My eyes wills be dead just as my tears did.
I will still definitely bend over the pain because the pain for these whole years were hell to me.
And I don't know why I wanna at least hear you laugh or sing.
We kissed last night in my dreams.
If it were reality, I swear to God.
After that kiss. I would allow him to take my life away.
You were the greatest things that ever happened to me in life.
Even if my tears were dried up, they continue to flow again.
Again and again.
I love the aquatic flows.
You were once the mermaid who swim along.
Kiss me slowly...
Call me sayang again.
Ill bite your finger again.
And I want you to touch my face.
You would feel how rough it had been.
Too much tears, it kills some part of my skin.
So I would end it here.
Leave it to God so it would reach you by miracle.
Sorry would be nothing.
I would love to see you again. By miracle.
The last slap I had will remained on my face.
Even until I grow old.
Its the last memories we had together.
See the Panda I bought you before?
And the bears? ...
There were too many things happened before.
Take care, Jen.