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January 26, 2014


I will.
Certainly will.
bring this world down. with u.
destroying them. with pleasure.
im certain.
watch me. as i born.
to be the ultimate.
watch me.
destroying the sky.
All those blue from the ocean.
They were lies. it was only reflection.
now ive come to conclusion.
it cant be help. The auqatic nature ive born in.
Was plain colourless.
Except red. My blood.
I was only using the blue.
It gives me colour.
In order to feel exist.
Now Im taking away the sky.
Fill them with blood.
Ill laugh at the success.
Yeah. My dream to watch humanity destroyed.
Ill start them.
with the SKY!
Our memories.
I guess my exitance had totally erased from your life.
Im decided to freeze the barrier that still connects my feeling.
This beautiful eyes of mine that witness the sky you told me. When I miss you. You placed our memories there.
I poke my eyes with madness.
Ill covered it with layers of ice.
Im sealing it again.
This time Ill make sure to destroy them into tiny little pieces.
I promised.
I will not leave a single piece.
Ill give it some times.
Collecting your hatred.
When Ive reach my limit.
Watch these memories fall apart.
Maybe for you it does not matter at all.
Or maybe the sky was a total lie.
I will never know.
But if you wanna erase me that bad.

I rather erased entirely.
Its unfair.
You will never see how much I suffered.
I trusted you with the sky.
I thought it was beautiful.
But I guess it was a joke.
Im hopeless.
I want them all.

Ill laugh and laugh until humanity falls apart.
I wanna witness.
The chaos. Within your beautiful eyes.
I have a dream. I drop them hard.

I will covered with ice.
When the time comes.
It will melt over the entire world.
Let us live that way.
With no freedom.
No future.
No hope.

No love.
Slowly. I wanna me the shadow.
The way you look at me.
As I wasnt exist at all.

A piece from My Diary. An Honest Voice from Me.

fuck. dont tell me whats love.
u had no idea my much i love her.
it will never be the same at all.
its blinded by God and its not romantic.
people said but it was a curse!
i cursed too much today.
i cursed on every single little things.
and i lost my mind for a bit. wanna lock myself up and stay away from people.
once in a while...
maybe tomorrow will be a better start.
tell me u fucking hate me or shits.
ill be happy for them!
i swear.
at least if you still hate me.
i know where it leads me too.
you can only hate a person for caring.
lemme u exist la wey.
to you goddamn house now.
sure get beat up for holding this religion but leave me there hanging.
1 drop of tears from urs ill be fucking fine..
another slap from u ill take it as our last kiss.
u wanna kick me or punch me ill catch ur hands and feel the strength.
lemme do it by myself.
after all.
i just wanna hear ur voice.
tell me im exist or lemme knw u were exist.
or else. this sky u told me to look at when i miss u.
ill freeze them all and fucking melt them.
itll falls fast enough to flood a big chaos.
destroying smiles and this world because i hate this place and life.
people only knw how to judge blindly when they never had seen ny perspective.
i used to love the sky.
just tell me u still look at the same one.
or else. i would set it to frozen and burn them. just like loneliness and hatred did.
r u doin this to let me hate u.
then ill take it as i love u for the last time.
watch me.
i swear.
if u fall dead.
ill make a pet of u and control the other side of the world.
have u forgotten. i had never once lay a feelin to others.
the truth is i locked them.
this feelings.
i redesign my own heart to live as a robot.
be part of system i fucking hate it.
u were the greatest thing that ever happen to me.
and im still playing strong in front of u.
i guess ive reach my limit.
if i saw u tonight in my dreams.
i swear.
ill stab ur heart with my own hand.
i wanna see the same blood so at least that tears of urs tell me u hate me as a monster.
have u forgotten. i was once Valentine in ur sleep.
a shadow. a darkness. an evil. an obsession.
in fact. i still motherfuckin am and i spoke alone landing all my words because i can never say it to another causalities of the society.
those people.
have u forgotten i hate to be socialize.
because i hate people.
i hate everythin.
i once dream to break the law of gravity.
because i am liz.
the only one u once love.
u were there to love me for the fact of who i am.
u picked me up from thay ugly path.
and i wanted to give u a sign i wasnt meaning anythin but i bet uve gone tired of all this craps.
u once was a dragon who confused about the feeling of protecting master and love.
that blonde.
be that dragon again and ill be Valentine.
lets fight and die together in the same old dream.
i used to had beautiful dreams everyday.
i used to be happy.
i dont want some "like" on social network.
i want u to bring me back the land i created while u where angelically waiting for me on the castle tops feeling white pigeons. they love hearing u sing.
ur body was dried and covered with disease bit still...
u were godly beautiful that even if i date up 1000 of ladies.
none of them could love me the way u do.
maybe someday i can awaken Valentine.
just wait.
when I reached there. ill catch u to that city i created.
never forget.
it was once covered in ice when we once break up.
then when we hold our hands and start with kissed. they were gently melting.
however. i let then break into piece and destroyed the entire city.
u survived and so am i.
i was the king there. i rule there.
no one can ever reach the princess.
i was super over protective before to u.
n u never complain...
yet u listen...
we both wanna abandon reality together bt our dreams are just like the pencil u dropped.
only u can know it.
yet. i know u might not be able to see this.
so fuck me and myself again.
i promised u i will destroyed the city and bring u back and rebuild them.
but i guess i couldnt.
all i could is to at least believe the sky was as blue as u said.
the color of ur master's eyes.
that was how deep it was when we were together.
i define love with a book with no last page.
that is love! not just relationship and kisses.
this were how crazy we were.. yet.
it came to an end.
people used to love us so much.
we inspired them.
i bet...
they were disappointed as well.
i build a castle to live. i was happy...
a few second later. i destroyed them.
fuck hope.
u are no hope.
i dont know what to say.
i just letting my feeling go.
this life is hopeless and a ridiculous joke.
God played me. dragged me into a dream land n i realized i slept for a day. woke up tired and hungry.
i thought i ate with u recently.
and oh God.
I created another wall.
yet. this time. i watch it destroyed....
fuck me hard. thank u.
fucking bastard.
fucking shit and fucking life.
fucking people too.
this is me from the olden days.
the shadow will be awaken again.
ill be a real valentine.

January 22, 2014

A Winter Night Without Snow

"On a winter night,
Stay tight...
By my side.

Let's take the side walk.
Having a small talk.
Watching the dark sky.
Not wanting you to cry.

Because I was the one who let you go."

I'm not sure where the road up ahead will lead me to.
I walk along and run along with the systems.
Keep telling myself how impossible it is that I could break through.
Its pointless.

However, will life ever gave me another choice or more?
Will people stop pushing me on making decision.
Take me back to 2010.
Every single days, weeks and months were the greatest.
And so I let it happened.
I had danced along with the devil.
Letting another destroy the entire bricks that had stood up there for almost 3 years...
However, it was vulnerable against the wall.

I did pray...
I did hope...
I did ask for a change...

But there is God to keep looking at me.
And I don't get it. Not a bit.

But I was holding up on her words.
I should have been ready for everything.
Not just to be a boyfriend.
But to be the one she will hold up onto and bring it to the sky...
As if we have a pair of wings to fly.

But we caught up ourselves.
I did it decided that way. Even if it wasn't me that ended it.
But I set fire on her trust.
It was on purpose as well.
But I had enough hardship to face her mother.
What more our religion kept killing us and created a river.

I can't jump with these pair of legs.
They are weak, broken and useless.
Just like the owner.
As rubbish as me. I bet its worse than that.

I did pray to God for at least one day I could see her smiling at me again.
That angelic smile of hers could send me to paradise in a few second after that.
It travelled faster than light ever did.
And I wanna listen to that voice again.
The song she wrote for me.
The song we sang together.
And eating the cake I once bake for a lifetime just for the sake of making her smile.

I wanna see her in the clothes I once bought for her.
With the same scent of roses around her.

Do you have any idea how much this entire I had been fucking up myself?..
And I kept writing things like this so you would see how fucked up I am.
And HELL I never wanna let you go honestly.

Its just like what you once told me. Desperate.
Its for the best, I did all I could as requested.
Breaking up with solve everything.
You remember the day I said I would return as the Ultimate Valentine?
I will and pay revenge on the cause.
I did blame myself so I shall die with your mother.

Someday when the shadow of mine had awaken.
I will.
I definitely will come and fight.

However, I cant do it.

Its pointless.
So Ill left this note letting you to hate me more.
Over and over again.

It cant be help.
But I was happy, every night to be able to stay by your side in my dreams.

No matter who am I, or who am I with, or wherever I'll be.
I just wanna continue onward living that way.

Because your eyes reflected the skylight to me.
I'm not sure where is it gonna be.
I tried looking inside out from a different window..
For a better point of view.

Yes I did it my way.
My foolish, stupid and reckless way.
My entire body will dies someday.
It would be dead with the entire sins of mine that I planted on you.

"I hear the sound of the morning clock,
Birds and the water from my sink.
I saw that plain ceiling of mine,
Kitchen and the wash room I wash of my face...
Everyday is just like that."

Back to 2010.
You would kiss me in the morning on the mobile phone.
Without saving the name on it I still would know its you.
With the last 4 digits of 2181.

I guess the sealed of my heart is getting worse.
But don't worry, I'll seal them up and you'll continue to hate me.

You're gone, that's a fact.
And true it does echoes every emptiness of my heart that I once locked desperately.
I had cried too much that I bet I could swim a river of disappointment there.
That was how much I love you until today.

But there is no point too.
I've been hoping someday my phone would rang and there I would see your name.
Despite the fact of fucked up we are,
I would say hello like the previous 15 February we had together.
Formally in our clothes.
You were wearing a black dress.
And walking in hardship with those pair of heels.

In that dark room, the cinema we watched our first movie together.
Percy Jackson - The Lightning Thief...
I was in my white Valentino shirt.
Buttoned up all except the collars.
Wearing my red necklace with the symbol of peace.
With my usual black pants that I wore before I started wearing jeans...
You told me you were cold and my arms was tangled over with your hugs.
And I still remember how I spent half an hour to hold the hand of yours.
Haha, its still funny but this time I can't laugh on it.
All could stupidly cry.

And I wanna feel as stupid as I can for now.
I wanna feel as fucked up as I can so the next morning will be another new day to me.

I wonder, how are you over there right now.
After years along without me by your side.
I ended become your enemy if that's what you call me.

But I still hope that you are still wearing the clothes I gave you.
And also the bracelet I bought from the other side of our country.

The necklace you once bought them for me was tangled every seconds over my neck.
And I guess those girls I dated might have been bored listening to our stories.
I had been trying my best to make them as you but it was the most stupid option I did.
None of them could actually take the position of yours.
None of them can be another person like you or even better.
I ended up making a fool out of them and myself too.
I guess you have moved on very well without me.
But that's a good thing.
I've been crying over you on the entire WeChat status I wrote about you.
I gotta move, some new place. A new country.
A new city.
New faces.

I really do miss all the noise even our fight.

I'd gone too far that day, that time...
Those stupid hours.

I am lifeless right now.
Stupidly lifeless.
No direction.
And yet trying to play God.
Making fun of others.

BullShits everywhere.
But while I'm still alive.
I pray to God even if it wasn't meant to reach you.
I hope there would be miracle.
For at least the second I'm still exist.
I want you to know I always love you.
Even if someone would punch me in the face now,
I will still lie down on the very ground I fall and pointless looking.
My eyes wills be dead just as my tears did.
I will still definitely bend over the pain because the pain for these whole years were hell to me.
And I don't know why I wanna at least hear you laugh or sing.
We kissed last night in my dreams.
If it were reality, I swear to God.
After that kiss. I would allow him to take my life away.
You were the greatest things that ever happened to me in life.
Even if my tears were dried up, they continue to flow again.
Again and again.
I love the aquatic flows.
You were once the mermaid who swim along.
Kiss me slowly...

Call me sayang again.
Ill bite your finger again.
And I want you to touch my face.
You would feel how rough it had been.
Too much tears, it kills some part of my skin.

So I would end it here.
Leave it to God so it would reach you by miracle.
Sorry would be nothing.
I would love to see you again. By miracle.

The last slap I had will remained on my face.
Even until I grow old.
Its the last memories we had together.
See the Panda I bought you before?
And the bears? ...
There were too many things happened before.

Fuck me.

Take care, Jen.