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April 02, 2014

I Was A Total Denial

Recently, I went up to my own page. Which I somehow forgot what was this blog titled after again... I could only remember the idea of my page was based on the concept of a box. Something out of the box. Well, I was focusing towards the content over the bad and simple looking box (just the ordinary one). So I did read over my previous post which was 4 years ago written on the month of February dated by the 22nd. I saw some names who were faded in my mind that I barely forgot how we used to have our laugh together and also those teachers who guided me without giving up no matter how spoilt I was. Its been so many years now and soon a decade will pass. I wonder if I could manage to remember all these things and will it be the same for them? They were trying so hard to point my mistake and I was a total young rebellious teenager. I was a denial. As the matter of fact, I was a complete egomaniac. However, they were the teachers who was there to teach me not on the sake of dollars. It was done for free from the bottom of their heart. I was so wrong about the fact that they never look at me as a total human.

Today on the month of April, its already 2014. 8 years had gone ever since I started writing on this page. I keep changing the title until I finalized it as "Another Punk Chapter" since it was unique and a lot easier to search on Google. The reason why I started writing was because I had a dream to inspire people and also to share this adventurous world. In my perspective I found this growing up adventure was fascinating. It sadden me looking at myself for not writing so long until I lost my fans. I wish there are still remaining readers out there and also I hope that someone in particular is reading. Speaking of life, I had grown up a lot and things had change completely.

I question myself, "What will I do with my life if I stop writing?"

I ended with an answer by doing so. Its miserable and pointless. Every second I spent my time with words I felt the warmth of life inside me. It felt like I wasn't alone because the moment I speak and write, I could feel it that God was there to listen to me. So I wrote them down to keep myself believing so. I wanna build my prayer and walk on the right path.

Speaking of love...
It was a total disaster that I'd made. I've learned the biggest lesson and I'll live by the slap on my face. Thanking for it would sounded so sarcastic but I gotta tell, it brought me to the shadow. I fell on my pit where I trapped myself into it. This brought me back to February 22nd year 2010. The girl I love once told me this "nobody's perfect Liz... If you felt like you're being challenged, let it go because those are just words set up to trap you." I got caught up here and I've barely forgot what she taught me before. Yet, I never said Thank You for that. After reading back that line, I feel the strength in me had recover a little. There is still a large percentage of mine that I could never let her go. As the matter of fact, I'd been denying that I still loving that person. However, I wanna be honest. Loud & clear. I'm tired of these lies. After all I've been trying so hard to show that I moved on faster but yet I ended up trapping myself in my own pit.

I've learned how to pick myself up. I could have used a ladder but I was so selfish that I ended up getting my nails injured for climbing that pit. It's a lot of pain to handle but yet I regret nothing from it. I took it as a note for me to remember when I am about to repeat another mistake of mine. Which I also wanna drop all my egos and stop being such a denial. 

My name is Liz and I've always love my name. I'm here today to look up to the future and move on without forgetting my past. The most important lesson in my life was never to fix or bend my mistake in the past. All I did was trying to feel better but it turns out, I am doing what I'd denied. However, I open my eyes today and use that past as a guide for a better tomorrow and also to be true.

I never hate that girl but in fact, I wish I could be true towards what happened but I wasn't brave enough to speak up. Am I going to trap this feeling and story letting it stayed untold? I can't decide myself and yet I wasn't certain about telling it. Once I lied they will only see me a liar. If I speak out today, it won't matter for tomorrow because that's how I'd been looked up lately. I've changed but not everyone could see that because the thing is, I don't need to be notice except I want her to know what I'm saying.

For my entire life I've always had her to talk to. Once we lost each other I had only been spoken to the wall and annoyed people to let go my depression. This note I wrote here is the truth of my own. I wrote this personally. This is the voice of mine and also the missing part of me where I used to write personally.

So I'll end this post here. I might had sound so pathetic but I don't mind for a bit. In fact I'm smiling with tears that I could speak up. I'm such a coward to fight but I'm such an idiot to add fuels to the fire. Childish but yet it doesn't matter for now.

I'm Liz, 20 years old and had started a business on my own. I found my future but yet it sadden me for not having the last puzzle of my life. Which was her. I wanna share this achievement to her but what will it does? I wish she was here for me with the loveliest smile I knew. However, a man like me deserve no such thing from her.