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August 25, 2015

Confession of a Denial

Last time you once told me.
If I had a bad time...
Just look at the sky.
"I put all our good memories there for you so you won't feel lonely about it."
But. I'm sorry.
I destroyed the sky myself.
Because I'm running away from my own reality.
The truth is obvious. You were doing the right thing.
You made your choice but I made you made mine.
And clearly, I never considered your action.
I thought I was right.
But after all. I was the entire blame.
I never consider why you create the sky for me.
For once I never even think for you instead of myself.
So after all. You were the egg and I was the person holding it. I'll always admire that story because I was never the same level as you are.
Oh God. How long does it takes for me to understand?
Almost 3 years... To realize that little things.
But I'm glad I understand now.
I'm going to unleash the hook and forgive myself.
I'll accept this mistake of mine and I'll carry it with me.
I can't believe I hate blue because of that.
And after all. It was me wasn't it.
My real color was never red.
I only chose red because of my emotion.
I deny the fact about how much my reflection was blue.
You gave me that blue sky and thank you very much.
I finally get what that was.
The sky was always blue to me.
Not for you. Because in your eyes. You've seen what I can't.
And I felt terrible for not knowing that.
After all. The only blue was my stubbornness in order to achieve all those temporary happiness.
You was trying to point that out for me.
But I was so young to see it.
I was colorblind.
But thank you again.
For that sky.
It's the most incredible story I realized after so many years had passed.
And I'll study the stars.
After all. You were trying to make me a better person.
Telling me won't reach me isn't it?
I know it's too late but I've seen it already.
Sorry.
I'll end my post with a note you wrote before.
"So don't worry, feel sorry or embarrassed about it. You should know that every single fall, is not forever, and we can always stand up after that. Chances and possibilities exist everywhere, so don't limit it with doubt. Whatever that mistake might be, repent and make a better person out of your old self. You can be better than what you are now. You always would." - Clarion (February 5, 2011)
You inspired me and open my eyes about life so thank you.
I'll carry these mistake until I get better.
I have no fear to face you already.
Face my sins.
Because after all.
I always try to be as amazing as you are.
Unlike how lame I was.
I will never forget this lesson.
Be free and I'm sorry for everything.
I can never erase my sins but I'll carry your dream. Because I don't wanna give up what we believe in.
This is the truth you'll never know anyway.
Only God and some random people to actually read it.
Farewell, Clarion. :)