11 February 2016
A couple of days ago was my 22nd birthday. Or in other word, the 6th year ever since the last song I ever wrote on that year. Lately I've been taking an uncountable stops in front of her house. "Her" as in the lady I've wrote about more than books of endless chapters. The only person I've always think of despite the fact I'm dating someone else. The last breakup I had didn't hit me at all. That's when I realized, I felt so empty.
I saw her from behind so I tap her on her shoulder and I look at her with a weak smile. Yeah but that was just my expectation. I was just thinking that things would turn out a lot better if I did. Though I know after what we had before, I might be the last thing she might ever wanted to see in her entire life. Perhaps, even worse that. I can't tell if it would turn out the way I thought would be. I might be unpredictable as well. I'm not strong enough to see her yet.
Not yet... I don't want her to see me yet.
I'm surprised to see how skinny she became or perhaps, it was just because I haven't seen her since forever? I caught a glimpse of her face when she turned around without her knowing my presence nearby. I wonder does her heart felt the energy of mine when I was there around a corner right across the street watching her with a smile on my face.
"Why didn't you find her?" ... I did. In my very own way.
Love is something really beautiful even if it hurts. Even if the pain was meant to be deal with all by myself. Knowing the fact she definitely hate me deeply hurt me a little. What hurts the most was just the fact that the reason to hate wasn't how it should have turn out to be, Or perhaps, I didn't actually know what she actually felt about me. However, if there was a loaded gun on her hand during our last fight...
I bet she wouldn't shoot me.
I believe so. What what if she does? Then, she probably didn't know me better. Though I believe that the energy from my feelings could reach her. I was rough. Because that's how I try to reach her. Desperately trying to say "I love you".
For the past 6 year marked from today, I've never love anyone so much than I ever did. She might notice me dating continuously. That's how my life turned out for me though it didn't work out. After all, I always end up keeping these feelings all by myself. Right now I'm still keeping these feelings of mine. Lately I've been rejecting people. This post marks my reasons itself. I have unsettled business with my own feelings. Not until I let go of it completely.
It's hard because I love her and I never wanted to let her go. I never actually did, figuratively. It's questionable but I give no answers because it's meant to be. I had my own battle and I'm sorry I couldn't share this battle together. It's unfair but I hope she hates me for that reason. If that's the way she sees it, I'm happy to know I was hated the right way better than my lies and all the made up stories. That's all I need and I didn't want a second chance to get back to her.
I don't belong there no more. That sky, I just couldn't reach it. I don't have to even if I wanted to.